


The Story of a Relationship and The Beatles Complete Chord Songbook

by thekidwantsacoffee



Category: CrankGameplays - Fandom, Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Alcohol, Characters Interact with Fandom, Explicit Language, Fluff, Gaming, Implied/Referenced Harassment, Impostor Syndrome, Movie Bashing, Musical Instruments, Mutual Pining, Other, Pining, Singing, Slow Burn, Wholesomeness, basically reader doesn't feel like they deserve things but ethan tells them otherwise, discord conversations, essentially a love story being told through twitch streams, ethan and reader are dysfunctional and its okay, everyone knows that they’re in love with each other and they’re oblivious as FUCK, reader has anxiety
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-17
Updated: 2020-12-23
Packaged: 2021-03-09 00:14:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 31,422
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27055528
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thekidwantsacoffee/pseuds/thekidwantsacoffee
Summary: “I haven’t heard Beefaroni before, that’s a good one,” Y/N laughs.Crankgameplays: i like your dog. v cute. Might have to steal“You are not stealing my dog, Ethan,” Y/N says. “He loves me way too much. You’d never get him out the front door.”Crankgameplays: watch me~YikesItsY/N, musician, twitch streamer, all around self-deprecating goofball. When someone unexpected pops into their stream one night, it leads them down a rabbit hole of finding out what makes them tick and why they can't get this guy out of their head.(tags to be added as the story progresses)playlist made by Cavana, listen to it here: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3pTvnao4G5GZbYnbfQLrlD
Relationships: Ethan Nestor/Gender Neutral Reader, Ethan Nestor/You
Comments: 187
Kudos: 257





	1. A Day In The Life

10:00 PM EST

Camera on, microphone on, guitar, tuned, mods on chat, time to start the stream. Y/N picks up the guitar, lightly strumming as people start to pop into the room. Names Y/N has seen many times before on their streams start to pop up, saying their hellos and asking questions. 

_Kiki’sDreams: guitar? no ukulele??_

“No, no uke today,” Y/N laughs. “Nah, I’m in the middle of painting it. I was gonna restring it and then I got sidetracked and I had paint lying around, and when in Rome, y’know?” 

_GeorgeIsGone: painting??_

_Juliasucks777: the sunflowers!_

Y/N smiles, their face lighting up. Sunflowers were really present over the summer for Y/N, and they were asked to cover a lot of songs about Sunflowers, so it became a part of the image for a little while. “Yeah, the sunflowers! I would get it but it’s still drying, and then I would have to walk over Beef, and he’s really comfy.” 

_Kiki’sDreams: Beef cam?_

_GeorgeIsGone: beef cam please?_

“No, no Beef cam tonight,” Y/N tells the chat. “He’s too cranky and he won't stop hiding behind my chair. Should I play something to chill him out?” 

The chat is overwhelmed with a lot of ‘yes’, ‘please', and requests. Y/N didn’t really take very many requests anymore because of how often the chat is spammed with them, and the repetitive ones get, well, repetitive. They've also been getting more requests than ever before, and the good ones that they get they write down to post later. 

_Cactuscanon - 100 bits_

“Thank you for the bits, Cacti!” Y/N smiles. “I appreciate it so much.” 

Y/N plays a few chords, reading the chat. The blue light highlights their face, complemented by the orange string lights in the background. “Oh, I got new lights guys. I like them a lot, they remind me of pumpkins.” 

_EllaHarvey918: can you play a beatles song for my cat?_

That chat caught Y/N’s eye, particularly because they hadn't gotten a Beatles request in a long time. This was in part to Y/N having very strong opinions about John Lennon, but for a cat? Those hard feelings could be put aside. Plus, it’s time they play a song instead of blabber on about random musical facts for once. 

Y/N continues to glance at the chat while they type the song into Ultimate Tabs, because where would any musician be without Ultimate Tabs? They realize that they have the chord book, but it’s in their living room, and they don’t feel like walking over Beef to get to it. 

_Kiki’sDreams: sorry i can’t give any bits tonight :(_

“Oh, it’s alright, Kiki,” Y/N says, a soft smile on their face. They always felt bad when people felt bad about not being able to sub or give bits. “I know you have to save up for college -- I’m really proud of you for finishing your second semester. Also, you guys really don’t have to give me anything. I’m an artist, here for entertainment.”

Y/N thinks about how much they knows about the people who watch their streams. Kiki has been watching since her junior year, and now she’s a freshman in college. Y?N remembers when Cacti announced that they came out to their parents, they remember George getting accepted into his first job. They start strumming, feeling Beef move against their leg as they start to play while they . _“I read the news today, oh boy…”_

Y/N doesn't get very far into the song though before the chat starts blowing up again. It’s not about the song though, and it’s enough for Y/N to stop singing but continue strumming mindlessly, picking out random chords to play that sound like they go with the song. 

_Kiki’sDreams: eef?? EEF??_

_Juliasucks777: i’m sorry but what’s going on?_

_EllaHarvey918: EEF EEF EFF_

“What the hell are you guys talking about?” Y/N asks, and then a bits notification pops up. 

_Crankgameplays - 1000 Bits_

“Thanks so much for the bits, that’s very generous for the kind of entertainment I put out,” Y/N says without thinking about what just happened. They continue playing, “He blew his mind out in a car…”

The chat keeps going off, and it’s absolutely wild. They eventually get to the instrumental part and have to stop to talk. “Look, guys, I don’t know what’s got you so excited, but at least let me in on -- oh, holy shit,” Y/N says, realizing what has happened. “Oh, shit, hi Ethan.”

Y/N watches as the chat continues to blow up, unable to read everything going on. They pluck out random notes, “I - Am - Dumb! As-Fuck!”

_CactusCanon: you're not dumb_

_Crankgameplays: it's alright, you're not dumb :)_

_Kiki'sDreams: you are absolutely perfect_

Y/N smiles. "Kiki, you of all people know that I am nowhere near perfect, but thank you for the sentiment. I appreciate it a lot." 

_Crankgameplays: can you please play Cancer lmao_

“By My Chemical Romance?” Y/N hadn’t gotten a My Chem request in a long time, and it was sad-- they were one of their favorite bands to play, at least acoustically. 

_GeorgeIsGone: PLEASE_

_Cactuscanon: please please please please_

_Crankgameplays: yes please :)_

“Of fucking course I can.” 

12:40 AM EST

Y/N yawns, laughing at the chat. Beef nudges their leg again, making Y/N set their guitar down. “You want ups? You want ups, sir?” Y/N picks up Beef and sits him in their lap. Now they can’t play guitar, but now everyone is happy about Beef. “Say hi, Beef,” Y/N says, and Beef barks at the camera. “Good boy.” 

_Kiki’sDreams: Beef!_

_Juliasucks777: Beefaroni!_

“I haven’t heard Beefaroni before, that’s a good one,” Y/N laughs, scratching Beef's head. "Would you like that? Being called Beefaroni? Or would that make you really hungry?" 

Beef doesn't respond. Beef never responds. Beef only nudges the top of his head into the crook of Y/N's arm. 

_Crankgameplays: i like your dog. v cute. Might have to steal_

“You are not stealing my dog, Ethan,” Y/N says. “He loves me way too much. You’d never get him out the front door.” 

_Crankgameplays: watch me_

“You’d never leave me, would you, Beef?” Y/N asks their dog. Beef shakes and sneezes. "That's a yes from Beefaroni. He'd never leave my side." 

_Juliasucks777: can i pet your dog?_

“Of course you can pet him, but Ethan can’t steal him.”

_EllaHarvey918: can we talk about a movie?_

_CactusCanon: movie talk movie talk movie talk!!_

_GeorgeIsGone: oh shit it's movie talk time!_

"Ooo, we haven't done movie talk in a while," Y/N remembers. "Let's see...I watched Fargo for the first time two days ago and it might be my new favorite, after Fight Club." 

_Kiki'sDreams: YOU UNDERSTOOD FIGHT CLUB?_

"I mean, well, kinda. I just thought that Edward Norton was hot as fuck in it." 

_Crankgameplays: he is especially sexy in that movie_

"Right?" Y/N laughs out, smiling wide before yawning again. It's almost one in the morning. They should probably go to bed soon. “Sorry to cut movie talk short, but it’s getting late here, guys. Uh, if you liked this stream, please go check out my music on Spotify or Apple Music, and if you like covers and other things about me, go check out my YouTube or my Instagram, and it’s all under the same name -- YikesItsY/N. I’ll talk to you guys later, and if I don’t see ya, Good Afternoon, Good Evening, and Goodnight.” 

8:02 AM EST

Y/N woke up to a phone call-- their best friend, Drew, making sure that they were awake. Drew did this every morning because Drew was a morning person and if Y/N wasn’t awake he’d wake them up so he wouldn’t have to be alone. 

“Hello?” 

“Yello.” 

Y/N pinches the bridge of their nose, stretching out their back as they sit up. “What do you want?” 

“Coffee. And to go on a walk and shit talk people, if you’re up for it,” Drew says. 

“You know I’m up for it.” 

Drew hangs up and Y/N proceeds to aimlessly scroll through the phone, checking up on overnight news and anything that happened while they were asleep before scrolling through socials, you know, as the average person does. 

Instagram seemed to be the choice that morning, and looking through stories, Y/N smiled when they heard one of their songs used -- it was a weird feeling. Sure, it was only a little snippet of a three minute song, but it was still something. It was a bitch to make the feeling of the picture get its point across, and if that’s how they get streams, that’s how they get streams. There’s nothing more to it than that. 

Finally getting a bit of energy to get ready, Y/N decides to get dressed and let Beef out before they leave with Drew. Of course, knowing timing, Drew pulls up right as Beef comes back into the house. 

“I gotta go, buddy,” Y/N tells Beef, ruffling the fur on his head before walking out the front door. 

“Drew, my main bitch, what’s happening,” Y/N says, climbing into the passenger side seat. Drew and Y/N had been friends since they got put on the same shift at a coffee shop they worked at their senior year of high school. At first they were friends out of necessity, but after four years they've been through everything together. 

“Too much, but it’s whatever, I’ll deal with it,” Drew shrugs, pulling away from Y/N’s house. 

“Is it your landlord again?” 

“Motherfucker won’t send someone out to check the AC.” 

“It’s acting up again?” 

“Third time this year,” Drew sighs. “But that’s enough about me. How did your stream go last night?” 

“Really well, actually,” Y/N replies. “Last night there were more people in the room than there has been, like ever, I think.” 

“Really? That’s awesome!” Drew says with a smile. “Look at my Y/N, going out and becoming a successful musician.” 

“I don’t think a lot of people were there for me,” Y/N admits. “Uh, Ethan from Crankgameplays joined the stream last night. And stayed on the stream until it ended.”

Drew gives them a look from out of the corner of his eye. “Are you serious? I miss the stream where you got a borderline YouTube celebrity in the room?” 

“I know, it’s so wild,” Y/N says. “I mean, my music isn’t that popular, I don’t post anything related to gaming on Twitch or YouTube, so how the fuck did he find my stream?” 

“You got an admirer, Y/N,” Drew jokes. "Maybe he's one of the few thousand people who listen to your music." 

“He’s not an admirer. He just wanted me to sing a My Chem song, that’s all.” 

Drew slams on the breaks as they pull up to a red light, turning his body to fully look at Y/N. “You sang fucking My Chemical Romance for this man? You haven’t sang any of that shit since you were uber depressed.” 

“I’ve grown as a person, I can sing songs without getting sad because of them, Drew.” 

“But you sang it for a boy.” 

“And? What about it?"

“You don’t sing songs for boys, that’s not like you,” Drew says, looking back to the road, turning on the right blinker. Drew was right. Y/N probably wouldn’t have taken the request if it was from anyone else. So why the hell did they take it? It wasn’t a hard song, but it was still a song that they covered when they were at a rough point in their life. So why did they do it? That’s something they thought about all the way until they were at the front of the line in the coffee shop and they had to spout out an order that they had made before and was right at the tip of their tongue. It wasn’t what they wanted, but they were more concerned over their actions than the wrong coffee order. 

It was something that Y/N was going to have to think about the next stream. Would Ethan come? What made him in the first place? What made their stream of barely two hundred people seem worthwhile enough to join it? Had he seen their YouTube before? Oh, lord, had he seen the My Chemical Romance covers from years ago, and that’s why he asked if they could play Cancer? 

“Y/N,” Drew said, snapping them out of their trance whilst handing them the coffee. “Are you spiraling again?” 

“No,” They answer quickly, unsure of whether or not they had been prepared to say no to anything or if they were actually saying no. This made Y/N realize that they were, in fact, spiraling. “Maybe. I think? Fuck, I don’t know, probably.” 

“I didn’t realize that someone was going to have you so smitten.” 

“I’m not smitten!” They say, their face heating up. “I’m just, uh, confused is all.” 

“Why?” 

“I mean, why me, y’know?” Y/N answers. “What made me special enough for him to join the stream? What stood out about my music for a guy like Ethan to just decide to pop into the stream and stay for its entirety?” 

“You might not ever know the answer to that, Y/N.” 

Y/N sighs. They know that. The chances of Ethan popping back into their stream again is pretty close to none. But here they were, concerning themselves with hypotheticals and the anxiety that comes with that. 

Y/N was going to try to figure out what made them so goddamn special.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> songs mentioned in this chapter: 
> 
> A Day In The Life - The Beatles  
> Cancer - My Chemical Romance
> 
> movies mentione in this chapter  
> Fight Club (1999)  
> Fargo (1996)  
> The Truman Show (1998)
> 
> all usernames other than Crankgameplays were made up for the purpose of this story. if anyone with any of these usernames exist, please let me know so i can change them. thank you so much!


	2. A Hard Day’s Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Can one of the mods put it in the chat?" Ethan asks. "It's Jesus, Etc., and it's YikesItsY/N's version. I love it. You guys need to check them out over on their Twitch too, they are fuckin' hilarious." 
> 
> One of the mods posts the video link in the chat and Y/N's heart skips a beat. So, of course, they have to say something. But what? 
> 
> YikesItsY/N: oh hey that's me lmao  
> ~  
> Y/N gets a notification from Ethan's stream. Ethan is playing one of their songs. Wholesomeness and movie bashing ensues.

11:30 PM EST

Y/N still hasn’t been able to shake the feeling of confusion since Ethan joined their stream. Now they were sitting on the floor of their recording room, two days later, actually restringing the ukulele they had said they were going to do for three days now. 

Y/N’s phone buzzed in their back pocket and they pull it out, checking to see what’s going on. It’s nothing major, but a notification from Twitch — Ethan’s going live. So, as they continue to restring their guitar, they listen to Ethan talk to the chat. What’s the worst that could happen? 

Well, the worst thing that can happen is hearing one of your most recent covers playing in the background of Ethan’s video — and Ethan singing along with it. Now, Y/N knows that there's nothing wrong with that, in fact, it's a good thing. That means that Ethan actually listens to their music, but it also means that _Ethan actually listens to their music_. It's surreal. 

" _Tall buildings shake, voices are scared, singing sad sad songs..._ " He sings as he clicks on something. "God, I fucking love this cover! It's so good, dudes!" 

Y/N smiles. "Cause it's a good song." 

_MrMeseek'sBitch: what is it?_

_orangestayssus: wilco??_

_toomucharizona: who is it by??_

_deckboss: you can't say that and not drop the link_

"Can one of the mods put it in the chat?" Ethan asks. "It's Jesus, Etc., and it's YikesItsY/N's version. I love it. You guys need to check them out over on their Twitch too, they are fuckin' hilarious." 

One of the mods posts the video link in the chat and Y/N's heart skips a beat. So, of course, they have to say something. But what? 

_YikesItsY/N: oh hey that's me lmao_

Really? Oh, well. 

_babeyeef: ITS THEM_

_orangestayssus: oh my god WHAT_

_lastpictureshow: THEY WATCH YOUR STREAMS EEF_

_toomucharizona: hi Y/N you could choke slam me and i'd thank you_

Y/N wasn't really expecting that sort of reaction. They were expecting for their comment to get ignored in the flood, but it wasn't. Something felt too good to be true, but the cramp in their leg from the way they were sitting told Y/N that this wasn't a dream, this was real. Oh, that Arizona kid probably shouldn't think that they have to be hurt in order for someone to notice them. They should say something. 

_YikesItsY/N: i'm not going to hurt you but thank you_

Ethan notices Y/N's user and he smiles. "Oh, hey Y/N! Fancy seeing you here." Their heart flutters again. Ethan smiled when he saw their user. Y/N _had_ to be dreaming. You can have leg cramps when you're dreaming, that's totally a thing. It has to be. They look around the room and they're not, and they should really finish restringing the ukulele. That needs to be done. " _You can rely on me honey..._ " 

Y/N's heart about leaps out of their throat when Ethan sings that. They can hear that cover playing, and it about makes them cry. " _Voices whine, skyscrapers are scraping together, your voice is smoking -- last cigarettes are all you can get, turning your orbit around_." 

_YikesItsY/N: you sing this song way better than i do lol_

"That is not true!" Ethan says. "That is not true and you know it. I've been listening to it all day and every time I listen to it I just-- ah! It's so good, Y/N!" Ethan looks at the chat, reading all of the messages flooding through. "Alright, alright, I'll stop gushing and start Fall Guys." 

Gushing? Ethan was gushing over them. Y?N's face beams with happiness and they start to stand up to go outside to call Drew about it, but they are stopped by the ukulele at their feet. 

Shit, they should probably finish that. 

10:00 AM EST

" _When I'm home_ \-- no, that's not the right chord. Damnit," Y/N mutters as they play, contorting their fingers into different shapes on the fret board to try and find the right sounding one. "Which one even are you?" A buzz comes from beside them and Y/N mindlessly picks up their phone as it rings, not even bothering to check because they know it's Drew. "Yeah?" 

"Your video blew up, well for you, I guess," Drew says quickly. "Oh my god, I was looking at your page today and your Wilco cover is blowing up, and fast." 

Y/N's eyebrows scrunch up and a puzzled look passes onto their face as they set down their guitar beside them. "What are you talking about?" 

"I don't know what you did, but it's working. Go check your YouTube. Now." 

Y/N puts Drew on speaker and places their phone on the desk while they pull up their channel-- sure enough, he's right. It had gone from 2,000 views to 25,000 over night. That's more than double the views on their most popular cover. "Drew?" 

"Yeah?" 

"Holy shit." 

"Yeah." 

"Twenty five thousand people, oh my god. That's so many people," Y/N says, placing their hand on their forehead. "What do I do?" 

"What do you mean what do you do?" Drew answers right back. "You keep making videos. Covers. Start to record your fucking album instead of your next single." 

"But--" 

"You have had that album written for _months_ , Y/N. Just fucking record it, for the love of God." 

Y/N sighed. They had been putting of their album for forever. They had been putting off recording it so they could record the requests and covers and what fans wanted them to make. Of course they never forgot about the album, each scribble of words and chord written and exact strumming pattern down in an enigma that only Y/N could probably understand, and it was such an amalgamation of their random thought processes that it was _their_ album, their music, something that only they had influence over and something that only they could understand until they put it out into the world. 

The main thing about not recording it was fear. What if they put all of their work into it for it to only fail? What if no one liked it? What if it was bad enough for people to stop listening to them? 

"Y/N!" 

'Yeah!" Y/N shouts back at Drew. "What? Sorry." 

"I've been saying your name for the last five minutes." 

Five? Jesus Christ, that's a lot. "Sorry, sorry, I blanked." 

"No, you didn't blank, you were thinking." 

"Yeah, I was." 

"Stop thinking," Drew tells them. "I know that's all you want to do, but the more you think, the more you spiral. The more you spiral, the less shit you get done. You need to stop thinking and just record the album. I know you're scared, but that's the point you're at now. Just do it. If you do the thing, and you don't fuck it up, it's gonna work. You have to have faith in yourself that you can make it happen. I know you can do it, you just have to believe that you can do it." 

Y/N sits for a minute. "Drew, that's the best advice you have ever given me." 

"It's a work in progress, I'd say," He replies. "The best piece of advice I ever gave you was to put a shot of espresso and a shot of Kahlua in your coffee." 

"That's 'cause you're an alcoholic, Drew." 

"Fuckin' A." 

8:27 PM EST

Y/N strums out a few chords, making sure everything sounds right for the stream. Their ukulele is behind them, lights are on, capo is sitting beside their keyboard, and Beef is nestled up on his dogie bed underneath Y/N's desk. They decide to go ahead and start early, anxiety filling their bones. It's almost enough to start shaking, but they clam their left hand down hard on the fret board, letting a strangled tone come out of the guitar. 

They can do this. 

_GeorgeIsGone: hello!_

_Kiki'sDreams: heyo!_

_toomucharizona: OH MY GOD I JUST CHECKED AND YOUR STREAMING THANK GOD_  
  


Y/N smiles, a few drops of that anxiety washing away. They can do this. It's just a stream. Nothing more, nothing less. "Hey, guys, what's goin' on?" 

_cursedsweettea: ethan complimented you in his stream so i knew i had to come and watch_

_waxyboy: okay who else came here after seeing ethan's stream??_

_sunflowerchick: me lmao_

"Yeah, Ethan just did me a really big favor," Y/N says. He did. This is the most people that they've had in the room. It's wild. "I hope my little concert piques your interest, though." 

Y/N pulls up the chords and begins strumming and singing. They realize just how awkward this actually is, but they don't care. It's what they love to do. " _Will make me feel al-right..._ " Yeah, another Beatles song. They're going to have to talk about their reservations about John Lennon later. The whole separating the art from the artist conversation. That always goes over well in the chat. 

_cursedsweettea - 100 bits_

_EllaHarvey918: more beatles!! my cat is so happy right now_

_airwaitlabyrinth: the fact that y/n plays music for a cat is so wholesome oml_

Y/N smiles as they finish the song, reading the chat again. "I am so happy that your cat is happy, Ella. It makes my heart happy. Also, thank you so much for the bits sweet tea!" 

_Crankgameplays: i didn't think that many people would actually listen to me about listening to you_

_toomucharizona: ethan this is the best stream you could've put me on_

_englishlexicon: PLEASE play another song your voice is so nice_

Y/N grins. "Hmm, let's see, I could..." They start, trying to remember the chords. "That's...that's not the right chords, Jesus. You'd think after knowing the song for years I'd know the chords to this shit by now, dear God." 

_Juliasucks777: that is a FAT mood_

_Kiki'sDreams: IS THIS WHAT I THINK IT IS??_

_waxyboy: what is this??_

"Yes, Kiki, this is exactly what you think it is," Y/N says, finally giving in and pulling up the chords. " _There's a darkness upon me that's flooded in light.._." 

_Kiki'sDreams: YES YES YES YES_

_toomucharizona: bluegrass?? what the hell is this?_

_cursedsweettea: i have never been more confused and pleased at the same time_

" _In the fine print they tell me what's wrong and what's right, and it comes in black and it comes in white,_ " Y/N pauses for dramatic effect. They always pause for dramatic effect with this song. " _And I'm frightened by those who don't see it_." 

_GeorgeIsGone: GOD THE PAUSE MAKES ME ORGASM EVERY DAMN TIME_

_GeorgeIsGone - 300 bits_

Y/N pauses, their mouth falling open and stammering as they try to think of the right words to say to make that comment make any sort of sense. "I-uh-I, thanks George. For the comment and the bits. God, dammit, I can't finish the song now." 

_Kiki'sDreams: NO DAMNIT GEORGE_

_GeorgeIsGone: IM SO SORRY_

_Juliasucks918: why, george, why?_

_Crankgameplays: it was still good while it lasted_

_Crankgameplays - 1000 bits_

"Again with the bits Ethan? Hot damn," Y/N says, putting a funny accent on 'Hot Damn' before changing their tone to something nicer. " Thank you so much. You guys really don't have to do that." 

_Crankgameplays: yes i do_

_Crankgameplays - 500 bits_

"Stop it!" Y/N says, resting their strumming hand on the guitar. "Stop it now or I'll give everything back." 

_Crankgameplays: fine_

"Thank you," Y/N laughs. "You did enough for me by sending everyone here and to my channel, and shit, I haven't even checked Spotify yet. I should probably do that when this stream is over." The amount of growth over the last day has been shocking, and Y/N is still nervous that they're going to mess it all up. "What should I do now?" 

Cactuscanon: can we do movie chat?

EllaHarvey918: we didn't get a very long movie chat last time

toomucharizona: what's movie chat

"Movie chat, Arizona, is when I talk about movies with you guys, and I talk about basically any movie, really," Y/N explains. "Uh, let's see...oh, the Back To The Future franchise. What is the deal with that?" 

_Crankgameplays: choose your next words carefully, Y/N_

Y/N smiles. "No, no, it's not that I don't like the movie, it's--it's just so weird! Like, first off, how do a teenage boy and a disgraced nuclear physicist become friends? Would they have even become friends if Marty didn't go back in time? Did Doc actually die before Marty went back in time or was he already wearing the vest because Marty _had_ gone back in time? They don't do a very good job of explaining anything in that movie." 

_cursedsweettea: facts facts facts_

_waxyboy: i'm not hearing anything wrong_

"Oh, and then he tried to fuck his mom!" Y/N remembers. "What the hell? He knew it was his mom too! And the dad was spying on his mom, being all voyeuristic and shit, and then they never bring it up again." 

_Crankgameplays: okay yeah that part was weird, i'm not gonna lie_

_sunflowerchick: wait WHAT?_

"Yeah, that happened in the movie, but since so many of us saw it when we were live seven we kinda didn't realize that's what was going on," Y/N says, a grin from laughing spreading across their face. "And then a white man writes Johnny Be Good. What the fuck-- of, and no one ever talks about how much of a banger Earth Angel is. Why the fuck does no one talk about that? It's the best part of the movie." 

_cursedsweettea: i have never heard anything more accurate, these are straight facts_

_Crankgameplays: okay but what about part two?_

"Part Two? Part Two?" Y/N repeats themselves for emphasis. "There's so much to talk about with Part Two." 

This was going to be a good stream. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> songs mentioned in this chapter:
> 
> Jesus, Etc. - Wilco  
> A Hard Day's Night - The Beatles  
> Head Full of Doubt/Road Full of Promise - The Avett Brothers  
> Earth Angel (Will You Be Mine) - Marvin Berry, Harry Walters Jr. 
> 
> movies mentioned in this chapter:
> 
> Back to the Future (1985)  
> Back to the Future: Part Two (1989)
> 
> all usernames other than Crankgameplays were made up for the purpose of this story. if anyone with any of these usernames exist, please let me know so i can change them. thank you so much!


	3. Across The Universe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So, Ethan does it. 
> 
> And then he gets a message on Discord. 
> 
> So he leaves the stream, hops on Discord, joins the server, and turns on his mic. 
> 
> "Hello? Can you hear me?" Ethan asks. 
> 
> "Yeah, I can hear you," He hears Y/N say back, and hearing their voice is like is so much nicer than he thought it was going to be. "So, as we were saying, your thoughts on the best Surf's Up character?"   
> ~  
> After Y/N releases a new single, Ethan watches one of their streams. They get each other's Discords. Last night chaotic conversations ensue.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is from Ethan's perspective, to change it up a little bit. I hope you guys enjoy!

6:00 PM PST

Ethan skips through the songs on his playlist until he finds one that he likes enough to let it keep playing. It's one of those days where you get sick of song quick and end up going back to old favorites. Well, he tried going back to old favorites, he really did, and then he heard a familiar voice playing in his headphones as he clips Spencer's leash to his collar.

" _Who gives a fuck about an oxford comma? I've seen those English dramas too, they're cruel._ " 

He checks his phone again and it's a new cover. And he thought it was a regular Vampire Weekend song at first. Shame on him. 

" _Check your handbook, it's no trick. Take the chapstick, put it on your lips, and crack a smile, adjust my tie_ ," He hears Y/N sing, and he does, in fact, crack a smile. " _Know your boyfriend, unlike other guys_." 

" _Why would you lie about how much coal you had? Why would you lie about something dumb like that?_ " Ethan can hear the emotion in their singing voice, and having seen them sing on their streams, he can almost see Y/N smiling as they sing the song. He didn't know that they liked Vampire Weekend like that, if he knew, he would've requested it. 

"C'mon, Spence, let's go," He tells Spencer, stepping aside and holding onto the leash, starting their walk. Usually, Spencer was good on his own without any leashes, but Ethan decided to take him down a new path and didn't know who or what would be on it, so it's better to be safe than sorry. 

" _First the window, then it's to the wall, Little John, he always tells the truth_." 

Ethan can't believe that Y/N said he could sing better than they could, simply because it's not true. He doesn't know why they put themselves down like that so much, and he also can't believe how defensive they got when he donated to them. It didn't make any sense, it really didn't. Then again, he probably does things that they question all the time. They probably think the same thing about his self-deprecating jokes. 

He needs to work on that.

" _Why would you tape my conversations? Show your paintings at the United Nations. Lil' John, he always tells the truth._ " 

The song ends and Ethan watches as Spencer stops and sniffs at a bush. "What is it, buddy? What do you smell?" Spencer barks and Ethan furrows his eyebrows as Spencer sticks his head in the bush. "Hey, Spence, get out of there." Spencer then turns around and walks back to Ethan. Spencer's tongue sticking out his mouth gives no actual response, as if nothing had happened. Must be the trail. He's probably just getting used to it. 

To be safe, Ethan goes over to the bush to check everything out, and it's all good. Nothing weird about the bush other than a grimy tennis ball. Good thing Spencer didn't put it in his mouth. He takes out his earbuds and puts them back in their case, humming Y/N's cover to himself as he does. 

7:02 PM PST

Ethan checks his phone to see what made his pocket buzz. He was in the middle of cooking himself dinner, and he had to focus so he wouldn't burn the garlic. So, of course, he had the brilliant idea to check his phone. 

_YikesItsY/N - Let's Talk About It - Q &A_

Y/N did a Q&A? How did he not know about it? 

Shit, the garlic. 

Ethan quickly finished and opens up the video. It's just a living room? Then, someone walks into the very back of the frame. They make their way down the hall, climb over the back of the sofa and plop down on the couch-- Y/N.

They stare into the camera for a few seconds. "Fuck-- I forgot my own fucking intro, dammit." 

Ethan smiles as the video officially starts. Y/N does a proper intro, and he doesn't think he's seen them do an intro like this before. It's new, definitely. 

"Okay, so 'When did you first start covering songs?' Uh, funny story, I was in a cover band in high school," Y/N laughs out. "Yeah, uh, I was the bassist in a Smiths cover band when I was a sophomore. That was also my first instrument, too. But solo, I was like 17, I think? Probably? Yeah, I was 17. The first song I covered was Policy of Truth by Depeche Mode. Great song to make your parents think you aren't depressed, guys." 

"'How old is Beef, and what kind of dog is he?' Beef is two and half, and he's my beautiful darling pug. I got him from a friend from high school who's dog who had puppies and couldn't take care of anymore dogs, and Beef was the runt, so I adopted him because I knew no one else would," Y/N explains. As they say this, Ethan watches as their eyes drift off the camera, and their face lights up. "Did you hear me talking about you? Is that why you woke up from your nap?" 

Y/N reaches down and when they come back up, Beef is in their arms. "Say hi, Beefaroni." Beef lets out his little bark, and Ethan still wants to steal that damn dog. He looks over to Spencer, seeing him chew on his new rope toy. What a beautiful boy. Such a handsome boy. 

"'When are you releasing your first album?' Uh, that is a fantastic question, actually. I have it all written out and everything, with my dumb little doodles and chords scribbled out and everything, and I even know the order I'm going to put them in, I just haven't gotten around to it yet. Not really sure why I haven't, I mean, I have my own studio set up in my house, that's where I do my streams, that's where I record my covers, I just...I don't know. Hopefully it'll be soon. I want to put more of my own content out there, something other than covers all the time, and with all this new support to the channel I think I can get it out there soon." 

"Shit," Ethan says without thinking. He wanted to hear their own music, he really did, but now he felt bad about requesting a cover. He knows he shouldn't, but he should've asked about their own music. He should've done that. He sees Spencer pick his head up. "Not you, bud, don't worry." Spencer goes back to his chew toy, content. 

"'Have you ever performed live?' I have, actually. When I was in the cover band, we played at a ton of hipster coffee shops because we thought we were the shit. We weren't," Y/N explains. "It wasn't the kind of energy I wanted to put out, either. We were a bunch of acne-having, caffeine-addicted, failing basic math teenagers. We were terrible. Terr-i-ble. I want to put out Led Zeppelin at Madison Square Garden level energy, divine guitar solo and all," Y/N has a face of reminiscence for a second. "Not that I'm not still addicted to caffeine, I've just switched from Monster to Red Bull. I have taste now." 

"Oh, here's a good one. 'Sick of all the boring favorite color questions. What's your favorite number?'" Y/N pauses for a moment, and a grin grows on their face. "69, dudes!" 

They say with such a perfectly Bill and Ted inflection that Ethan has to laugh. 

Y/N continues on, telling more stories and laughing and smiling at the camera. They're so genuine, and it feels like Ethan's there with them, listening to their stories, to the point where he's almost sad when the video start to come to a close. 

"I think that's gonna be it for this video, I've had a lovely time answering your questions, I truly have," They say. "If I didn't get to your question, I'm sorry, I will try to get to it the next time I do a Q&A, I really will. As always, if you liked this video, please subscribe, and if you want to find more of my music, it's all here on YouTube, so nothing's really stopping you. As always, I hope you have a wonderful rest of your day. Oh, and in case don't see ya, Good Afternoon, Good Evening, and Goodnight." 

The video ends on Y/N smiling at the camera. It's a smile that Ethan knows really well now. He turns off his phone gets up from the table to wash his plate, still thinking about the video. He had to do something. He wanted to make content with them. He wanted to find a way to give them the credit that they deserve as an artist. And there's only one way he can do that. 

He just had to find the right way to go about it. 

10:07 PM PST

Two days later, Ethan's back at his computer, watching Y/N's stream. It's almost become a routine, but he's also noticed that they're coming into his streams a lot more. He's never talked to them one on one, like, ever, he's never heard their voice actually talking to him and only him, but they're talking like this, him sending a message through the chat and them reading it out. 

" _Whatever tomorrow brings I'll be there!_ " Y/N sings out. "God, I fucking love that movie. It's so good. It's the best movie to come out of 2007 and I'm willing to fight anyone on that." 

They're talking about Surf's Up. It's adorable. 

_Kiki'sDreams: isn't your favorite movie AND book No Country For Old Men tho??_

"And? What about it? Irrelevant. Surf's Up is the only thing that matters right now." 

_GeorgeIsGone: the best character in Surf's Up is cody_

_toomucharizona: big facts big facts_

"Hey, George, I don't know how to say this, but you're fucking wrong," Y/N says, and he doesn't know why, but the way they said it somehow made it sound like the funniest thing to Ethan. He bursts out laughing, and it's enough to make his chest hurt a little bit. "The best characters are Tank and Chicken Joe. Controversial opinion, but Cody added fucking nothing funny to the story." 

_GeorgeIsGone: how could you._

_EllaHarvey918: oh my god there's a period at the end of the sentence_

_GeorgeIsGone: because i'm hurt_

_waxyboy: but they're not wrong??? so why are you hurt??_

_sunflowerchick: we need a final opinion_

"Okay, final opinion? Who should I talk to about this? Who do you guys think would be a neutral party?" 

_Kiki'sDreams: is Ethan still here?_

_Juliasucks777: GET EEF GET EEF_

_GeorgeIsGone: the only opinion i will listen to on this matter is eef's_

"Shit, Ethan? Would you be up for that?" Y/N asks, and his dumbass nods instead of typing it into the chat. So, he types up a response. 

_Crankgameplays: i would 100% but i need to be vocal about it and idk how_

It's not fair that the only thing people are talking about on Y/N's streams are Ethan now, and he knows that it's not fair, but he can't just say nothing.

"Shit, dude, just send me your Discord on Insta," Y/N says, as if it's no big deal. This is a big deal. This is the one way he was going to actually get to talk to them. "If you need to be vocal, please, be vocal." 

So, Ethan does it. 

And then he gets a message on Discord. 

So he leaves the stream, hops on Discord, joins the server, and turns on his mic. 

"Hello? Can you hear me?" Ethan asks. 

"Yeah, I can hear you," He hears Y/N say back, and hearing their voice is like is so much nicer than he thought it was going to be. "So, as we were saying, your thoughts on the best Surf's Up character?" 

Ethan thinks for a moment. "Definitely Chicken Joe." 

"I fucking knew I was right," Y/N says, the smile present in their voice. "George, I told you you were wrong! I"m sorry! It's gotta either be him or Tank, I can't decide. They both have some fantastic quotes." 

"Can you do that weird TikTok sound of Tank?" Ethan asks. He's heard them do impressions before, that's why he asks. "Like the trophy one that went around a couple months ago?" 

"These are my ladies--" Y/N starts in a really bad deep voice, and they instant;y start laughing, and it's contagious. "This is my lady Amy-- god, I can't do it! I really can't!" 

"Aw, c'mon!" 

"Then you do it!" 

"This is Suzy--" And Ethan can't stop himself from laughing, and they're both an absolute mess. He hears a crash and shuffling before he hears Y/N's voice again. "Did your headphones fall off because you were laughing too hard?" 

"No! Maybe, shut up," Y/N says. "Oh, god, what are some good quotes from Chicken Joe?" 

"When fucking Rob asks him how it feels to win and he's just like 'I Won?'" Ethan starts off the answer serious, and it ends in more laughter.

"Dude, she's totally into you! She called you crap!" Y/N imitates in what he can assume is their best Chicken Joe voice. "It's such a good movie, I love it." 

"You know, we've known each other way back since like...yesterday, I think it was," Ethan says in a Chicken Joe voice. 

"That was good!" 

"Really?" 

"Yeah!" Y/N says, the excitement present in their voice. He wishes he could see it. "Dude, check out this blow hole thing! It's giving me major brain freeze." 

"Is that the line?" 

"Fuck if I know," Y/N answers. "This is the same movie where they have a penguin version of The Dude." 

"That's true," Ethan says. "It's so weird, but it's good. I need to rewatch it soon." 

"Me too." 

12:34 AM PST

The stream has long ended but Y/N and Ethan are still chatting away on the voice channel. It's contagious, he can't stop talking to them, they always say something so funny and it ends up in a story and he ends up telling a story that they end up laughing at and he's so happy that something he's said can make them laugh. 

"Hey, can I ask you a kinda serious question?" Ethan asks them. "It's nothing bad, it's just something I've been wondering for a while." 

"Shoot." 

"Why do you always end your streams with that Truman Show quote?" 

"I...I don't really know, actually," Y/N responds. "It's one of my favorite movies, and it's something I think everyone needs to hear. It's like, 'okay, I need you to know that I care about you even if I don't see you again', y'know? I like letting people know that I care about them, even if I don't really know them. Some people just need to know that they're cared about, and I didn't get told that enough." 

"Well, I care about you," Ethan says without thinking. It was innate reaction, like something he didn't even need to think about. "Even if I don't know you that well." 

"Thank you, Ethan," Y/N says, and he wishes he could see the soft smile of their face. "I care about you too." He hears them yawn, and realizes how late it is. 

"Oh my god, I kept you up all night," Ethan says. "I'm so sorry." 

"It's alright, it's only--oh, shit, It's half past three," Y/N says, a slight giggle in their voice. "I had a really nice time talking to you, Ethan. I'll talk to you tomorrow, alright?" 

"Alright," He says. "Goodnight." 

"Goodnight, Ethan."

He can't wait to talk to them again. He can't remember the last time he was this excited to talk to someone. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> songs mentioned in this chapter: 
> 
> Oxford Comma - Vampire Weekend  
> Policy of Truth - Depeche Mode  
> Drive - Incubus
> 
> movies mentioned in this chapter: 
> 
> Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure (1989)  
> The Truman Show (1998)  
> Surf's Up (2007)  
> No Country For Old Men (2007)
> 
> all usernames other than Crankgameplays were made up for the purpose of this story. if anyone with any of these usernames exist, please let me know so i can change them. thank you so much!


	4. All I've Got To Do

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Y/N rolls their eyes. "Yeah, sure. Okay. That sounds reasonable." 
> 
> "You've seen Spencer, would you not go across the country for him?" Ethan says, picking up his dog in the process. "You wouldn't go across the country for this good boy?" 
> 
> "I can't afford it, Ethan, that's what it is," Y/N tells him. 
> 
> "Oh, well, I can, and I'm gonna steal your dog."   
> ~  
> Y/N feels bad about procrastinating their album, so they start recording their album. Ethan brings up stealing Beef again and Y/N questions their feelings for the first time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so, uh, i cannot write music for the life of me, so none of the "album" songs are actually ones that i have written. songs of Y/N's album will be denoted in the notes with (ALBUM) written beside them. also, fun fact, i have no idea what ethan's discord name is, so, i made one up.

2:37 PM EST

" _Slow down, you crazy child, take the phone off the hook and disappear for a while, it's all right, you can afford to lose a day or two, when will you realize, Vienna waits for you?_ " 

" _And you know that when the truth is told that you can get what you want or you can just get old, you're gonna kick off before you even get halfway through, why don't you realize, Vienna waits for you. When will you realize, Vienna waits for you?"_

"Billy Joel?" 

"Jesus, fuck, Drew!" Y/N says, breathless. "What the hell? There's such a thing as knocking." 

"I did," Drew tells them. "You were so into it that you didn't hear me." 

"Sorry," Y/N says, and Drew shakes his head. "I didn't get a lot of sleep last night." 

"Don't apologize, I was the one who scared you," Drew reassures them. "Why didn't you get a lot of sleep?" 

"I was, uh, up streaming." 

"That's bullshit. You ended your stream at one, I saw the time stamp this morning." 

"I was talking to someone," Y/N says, trying to give away the least amount of information as possible. They didn't want Drew freaking out over Ethan. Truth be told, after a few of Y/N's previous relationships, Drew was very wary of the people that Y/N showed interest in. 

"Who?" 

"No one." 

"Y/N--" 

"Ethan! I was talking to Ethan, Jesus," Y/N finally lets out. 

"That-that Ethan?" Y/N nods, waiting for the blow. How reckless they were being. How stupid it was to talk to a guy who lived across the country from them. To talk to a guy who they met on one of the streams. "Holy shit," Drew says instead. "Did he say you were cute?" 

Y/N smacks Drew's arm while he laughs. "No, he didn't say I was cute. He, uh, told me that he cared about me, though. That was nice." 

"He told you that? Like legit cared about you?" 

"Yeah, he did," Y/N says, smiling. Talking to Ethan gave them real butterflies at first, but it was easy to get comfortable with him. They meant what they said about wanting to talk to him again. It was such a genuine conversation, Y/N thought that they would never stop talking, and they would be happy with that. "And I told him that I cared about him to. I also kept profusely thanking him for everything he's done for me, even if it was indirectly." 

"So what's the with the Billy Joel?" 

Y/N shrugs. "I just like the song. I'm not sure if I'll post it, though. I make save it for when I'm in a creative slump so I don't have anyone worry about me while I can't make any music." 

"Contingency plan, I like it," Drew says, nodding as he crosses his arms, looking around the studio. "More lights?" 

"I dug 'em out while I was going through Halloween decorations," Y/N explains. "A couple bulbs are out on the ends, so I couldn't put them outside this year, but I set everything up in a way that I could hide it during my streams. It also just makes everything a bit more cozy in here." 

"Cozy is always good, and how does Beef feels about it?" Drew asks, looking over to the sleeping dog. He's been pushing his doggy bed around the recording room, and right now it's in the corner beside the bass guitar and the bass amp. 

"It puts Beef's ass right to sleep," Y/N laughs. "I'm not totally sure if he can see orange, though, so it might just be dark for him." 

"Darkness is always good." 

"Okay, edge lord," Y/N rolls their eyes, looking away from Beef. "What did you think of the song? Was it good? Did I sound okay or like a a dying cat trying to sound like Billy Joel?" 

"You sounded great, Y/N, you never sound like a dying cat. Why do you always think that?" 

"I'm not really sure, I just get it in my head that I sound bad," Y/N explains, crossing their arms. 

"Then why would people listen to your music?" 

"Okay, just because someone can write music doesn't mean they can sing," Y/N laughs. "Have you heard of Lin Manuel Miranda? Man cannot sing for shit." 

Drew laughs. "You have a point. But, no, you don't sound like a dying cat. You sound good. Stop worrying about it." Y/N knew they had to listen to Drew. If they sounded bad, he would tell them. Drew isn't the kind of person to lie about anything. He might be the most brutally honest person Y/N knows, and that's a good thing. They would rather have brutal honesty then sugar-coated lies. "How's the album coming?" 

Oh, shit. The album. "It's, uh, coming." 

"You're procrastinating the fuck out of it, aren't you?" 

"Yeah." 

"Y/N--" 

"I know, alright? I know. I know that I'm giving myself more work to do later and that people are excited for it and waiting on it, and I'm just scared," Y/N spouts out, word vomiting every thought that they're having out to Drew. "I don't know why I'm scared or what I'm scared of, it's probably failure, because if I fail with this album then I'm going to be a fuck up and I don't want to be a fuck up and if I fuck up I'll forever be known as that one person who just does random covers on YouTube with a failed album." 

"Wow." 

Y/N looks at Drew, realizing just what they've said. "Shit, sorry--" 

"Stop apologizing for everything, Y/N," Drew tells them, holding up his finger when they start to apologize for apologizing. "I know that you have a ton of issues about being accepted by people but you need to stop worrying about everything. Do the album for you. Just make it, and don't think about anyone but yourself when you're making it. It's no one else's album but your own." 

Y/N nods, understanding. "Just make it for myself." 

"Exactly. Have you eaten yet today?" 

"No." 

"How many RedBulls have you had?" 

"Like two." 

"That explains a lot," Drew says. "C'mon, let's get you some food." 

5:57 PM EST

That same day, Y/N is back in the recording room, this time in front of their computer, moving around chord progressions and vocals for the Vienna cover. 

"That's not right, is it?" Y/N asks themselves as they listen to the backing guitar. Yes, the original is on piano, but they don't have a keyboard, much less know how to play one. They double check the chords and then what they had played. "Oh, it's a C _sharp_ minor, not just a C minor. Fantastic." 

They go to pick up their guitar, and think about what they're doing. They working on a cover instead of their album. They sigh, take a drink from their water bottle and pull up their recording software, and start strumming. Strumming their song. 

" _Oh mother, I can feel the soil soil falling over my head, and as I climb into an empty bed, oh, well, enough said. I know it's over, still I cling, I don't know where else I can go, over and over..._ " 

They stop, those aren't the words. Not the words they had written down, at least. But these felt right. These felt true, so they let them all out. 

" _Oh, mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head, you see the sea wants to take me, the knife wants to slit me...Do you think you can help me?_ " 

Their eyes close and brows furrow, not exactly sure where all the emotion is coming from, but it's not like they're going to stop it. 

" _Sad veiled bride, please be happy, handsome groom, give her room. Loud loutish love treat her kindly though she needs you, more than she loves you,_ " Y/N continues. What the hell does loutish mean? Is that even a real word? It doesn't matter. " _I know it's over, still I cling. I don't know where else I can go, over, over._ " 

10:57 PM EST

Y/N clicks around on Discord for a few minutes, panicking slightly when they see Ethan is active. Should they say anything? Should they pretend that they don't see it?

Before they can do anything, however, Ethan sends them a message. 

_jeebusethan: hewwo? is someone online?_

Y/N cracks a smile before typing up a response. 

_YikesItsY/N: perhaps_

_jeebus: would someone like to talk? or is someone busy at the moment?_

_YikesItsY/N: someone can talk_

Y/N pulls up the voice call, and Ethan picks up almost instantly. 

"Hello?" 

"Hello, can you hear me?" 

"Yeah, Ethan, I can here you," Y/N says with a smile. "What was with the Mr. Obama roleplay opener?" 

Y/N can hear Ethan laugh. They wish they could see it. "Not really sure. I started typing something, and then I drew a blank, and I wrote the first thing that came to my head." 

Y/N pauses for a moment. They do want to see him smile and laugh. "Can you video call?" 

"Hmm?" Ethan says before giving an "Oh" of understanding. "Yeah, sure." 

Y/N turns on their camera at the same time Ethan does. "I can see you! Finally!" 

"Well, you've always been able to see me," Ethan tells them. "But I get what you mean. Now I can see you too." 

He looks really nice. He has a button up with a funky pattern on, a well as his glasses. Y/N has on their blue point glasses, the ones they usually wear when editing so their eyes don't strain too bad, and then a simple hoodie. Yeah, it's a video call, and they're getting nervous about being underdressed. 

"I"m prepared to stay up tonight," Y/N tells him, raising up the RedBull that's sitting on their desk before taking a sip. 

"What time is it over there?" 

"Like eleven." 

"Y/N-" 

"I was gonna drink it whether or not we talked tonight, just so we're clear." 

"You have a borderline addiction." 

"So do you!" 

Ethan opens his mouth, tries to find words, and then shuts it again. He's just staring at them with this half-not-really-angry and half-don't-twist-this-on-me look. "Listen--" 

"Uh-huh, what is it?" 

"This isn't about my habits--" 

"I knew you were gonna say that." Y/N smiles at him as they say it, reaching to grab their water bottle. "I'm not only drinking caffeine, y'know. I can take care of myself when I need to." 

Ethan is smiling right back at them. "Well that's good. I should probably go fill up my water bottle." 

"No, yeah, go, hydrate," Y/N tells him. "I will just be sitting here, staring at ChairGamePlays." 

Ethan hesitates, almost like he doesn't want to get up, but he does after a few moments. While Ethan's gone, Beef comes over and starts nudging at Y/N's leg, wanting Ups. So, Y/N gives him ups. BY the time Ethan gets back, Beef is cuddled right up in their arms. 

"I still want to steal your dog, y'know," Ethan tells them as he sits back down. 

"You're not getting my dog. Plus, are you really gonna come across the fucking country for a dog?" 

"Perhaps." 

Y/N rolls their eyes. "Yeah, sure. Okay. That sounds reasonable." 

"You've seen Spencer, would you not go across the country for him?" Ethan says, picking up his dog in the process. "You wouldn't go across the country for this good boy?" 

"I can't afford it, Ethan, that's what it is," Y/N tells him. 

"Oh, well, I can, and I'm gonna steal your dog." 

"Give Spencer a brother?"

"Yup." 

"I'm sure there's a more reasonable way to go about it." 

"Nope," Ethan says. The sureness of it all makes Y/N laugh, in turn making Ethan laugh. "What? What's so funny?" 

Y/N shakes their head with a smile. "Nothing, nothing, I promise." 

Ethan gets over his little fit of laughter before asking a question. "How's the album coming?" 

Y/N rolls their eyes. "How's the blood bath going?" 

"Fuck off," Ethan says, and Y/N laughs. "I didn't know you watched Unus Annus." 

Of course they did. They watched everything Ethan put out. Instead of saying that, they say, "There's a lot of things you don't know about me, Eth." 

"You're such a dork, Y/N," Ethan laughs, and it makes their stomach buzz with excitement and nervousness. Y/N knows it's a small thing, and they know that he says those things all the time, he has to. Y/N isn't special enough for him to give them a pet name. Is that what it was in that context? Did he mean it affectionately? Did he say it just to say it, because it was actually describing them as a person? "Y/N?" 

"Oh, yeah, sorry," Y/N apologizes. They had been thinking too hard again. Shit. "I blanked out for a second, sorry." 

"It's okay, don't apologize," Ethan tells them, and Y/N feels like they just had this conversation with Drew. Stop apologizing for dumb shit. "I blank out sometimes too." 

But this isn't talking with Drew. It's talking with Ethan, and it's a lot more comforting than talking with Drew. 

"So, I must ask again, how's your album coming?" 

"I recorded the first song earlier today," Y/N tells him, and his face lights up. 

"Really?" 

"Yeah!" 

"Can I hear some?" 

Y/N raises their eyebrows, looking over to their guitar before back at Ethan. "Like a snipet? Like right now?" 

Ethan nods, letting Spencer down from his lap, and Y/N does the same, watching as Beef . "Yeah," Ethan says. "If that's cool." 

Y/N smiles at him, hiding their nervousness behind it. "Of course it's cool, you get a mini concert." 

"The best kind of concert." 

Y/N grabs their guitar, strumming each chord softly before starting. " _I know it's over, and it never really began, but in my heart it was so real_." 

Focusing on the guitar's fret board and the chords, they try to remember the exact words that flowed out when they played earlier, and thank god, they do. " _And she even spoke to me and said, 'If you're so funny, then why are you on your own tonight? And if you're so clever why are you on your own tonight?"_

Y/N is starting to realize just how personal the song actually is. They've been lonely for a little while now, and without them knowing that loneliness made its way into their music. 

_"'And if you're so very entertaining why are you on your own tonight? And if you're so very good looking, why do you sleep alone tonight_?'"

Y/N pauses, feeling their eyes burn. They're getting emotional- why? They weren't when they recorded? Or maybe they had, and they hadn't noticed because they didn't have a small audience. The only know that they're getting emotional because Ethan's there. 

" _'I know, 'cause tonight is just like any other night, that's why you're on your own tonight, With your triumphs and your charms, while they're in each other's arms It's so easy to laugh it's so easy to hate it takes strength to be gentle, And kind, over, over, over.'_ " 

They feel a drip on their hand and realize that their crying. "Oh, fuck," They say, not thinking about it. "I'm fucking crying on camera. I'm so sorry." 

"No, no, Y/N, it's okay, it's okay to cry on camera, trust me, I've done it plenty of times," Ethan tells them, and it feels like he's almost reaching out to them physically. Y/N knows that he's not, but it doesn't mean they don't wish he was. They're trying to keep a smile on their face, the ends of their mouth hurting as they set the guitar down as try to stop themselves from crying. "Are you okay?" 

"Fuck, I think so," Y/N laughs, sniffling. "I just...I've just been down, a lot, and I guess...I don't know. Struggling artist shit, y'know?" 

Ethan nods. "I know. It sounded great, and I can't wait to hear the rest when it comes out." 

Shit, Y/N will release right now if Ethan wanted to hear the whole thing, but they know they can't do that. "You really liked it?" 

"I loved it." There's a hesitation there, from the both of them. Y/N felt a clump in their throat, words of adoration wanting to come out of their mouth. They liked Ethan. Shit, they're legitimately into him and they fucking cried in front of him. "Y/N?" 

"Yeah?" 

"Can you play another song, if you're up for it?" 

Y/N feels a twinge in their chest, and the smile and nod. Before they could actually say 'yes', they remember the sweetest and cheesiest movie. It's worth a shot, and what's the worst that could happen?

"As you wish." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> songs mentioned in this chapter: 
> 
> Vienna - Billy Joel  
> I Know It's Over - Jeff Buckley (ALBUM)
> 
> movies mentioned in this chapter: 
> 
> The Princess Bride
> 
> all usernames other than Crankgameplays were made up for the purpose of this story. if anyone with any of these usernames exist, please let me know so i can change them. thank you so much!


	5. All My Loving

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Of course it's alright," Y/N smiles. "Perhaps you won't cry on me." 
> 
> "Perhaps, but it is a very emotional song, so you might have to comfort me a bit." 
> 
> "Comforting the serenader? When I'm supposed to be the one serenaded? Very unorthodox." 
> 
> "Y/N?" 
> 
> "Yeah?" 
> 
> "You're a fucking dork."   
> ~  
> After some very confusing messages in the chat, Y/N and Ethan talk after a stream, building a new routine. Y/N has to deal with Drew's shit.

8:23 PM EST

"No, arizona, I'm not doing any Lemon Demon," Y/N laughs, strumming at the uke. "Those are not the vibes tonight." 

_waxyboy: then, pray tell, what are the vibes?_

_toomucharizona: damn :/_

"Not really sure," Y/N says, punctuating each word with a random chord. They strum a bad one and look down at their ukulele. "What the fuck was that? That sounded gross. Sorry guys, but gross chords are not the vibe." 

_Kiki'sDreams: not a vibe?_

_Juliasucks777: mother mother is a vibe tho_

"Depends on the song," Y/N answers. "Verbatim? Not tonight. Oh Ana is just a touch too real, and...him, Wisdom?" Y/N asking, trying to remember the chords. They knew they didn't, but as they were trying the song in they got sidetracked and pulled up a different one. "I know what I said I was gonna play, but you all know by now that I cannot stick to plans music wise for the life of me." 

Y/N starts strumming, reading the chat. " _Hey, would it be so bad if I stayed? I'm just a ghost out of his grave, and I can't make love in my grave..._ " 

Shit, maybe Ghosting was a bit too real right now too. 

_GeorgeIsGone: wow, y/n, i did NOT need to get called out like this_

_sunflowerchick: you're really gonna make me simp like this_

_CactusCanon: you know i have to give bits_

_CactusCanon - 250 Bits_

"Thank you so much!" Y/N says, giving a pause for the song. " _I won't put white into your hair, I won't make noises in your stairs, I will be kind and I'll be sweet if you stop staring straight through me._ " 

_sunflowerchick: wow, YOU'RE REALLY GONNA MAKE ME SIMP LIKE THIS_

_CrankGamePlays: you're not the only one simping_

Hold on, is Ethan simping over them or is he just saying that as like a friend thing? Is that how he interacts with friends? His Twitter would suggest it but assuming how someone talks about their friends based on Twitter is a bold risk that Y/N isn't willing to take. Still, they assume he's just saying it because they're kinda friends now. 

" _And this is why I have decided to pull these old white sheets from my head_ ," They continue. " _I'll leave them folded neat and tidy so you'll know I'm out of hiding._ " 

_sunflowerchick: am i not allowed to simp because eef's simping?_

_CrankGamePlays: there can only be one_

"No, no, both of you, stop it," Y/N says, smiling wide and taking their hand off strings to point their finger at the chat. "I don't need either of you simping for me, that's gonna inflate my ego way too much." 

_CactusCanon: what ego? you're literally the most humble person on earth_

_toomucharizona: telling us not to simp isn't gonna stop us from simping_

"That's it, I'm taking away simping privilages," Y/N says. " _And this is why I have decided, to leave your house and home un-haunted, you don't need poltergeists for sidekicks..._ " 

_GeorgeIsGone: y/n: don't simp_

_GeorgeIsGone: y/n: makes us simp anyways_

_Juliasucks777: big facts, big facts_

It's finally enough for Y/N to look at the camera with an exasperated smile. "Stop it! I'm taking away the uke, you guys only simp when i play the uke." 

_CrankGamePlays: i simp for you in general, just so we're clear_

Y/N blanks out when they read that. And it's not a them overthinking blanking out, their brain doesn't know how to process what they just read. Did he mean it? Because if he meant it then he wouldn't be simping, since the feelings are absolutely returned. "Shit, guys, sorry, I forgot what I was doing," they lie as they set down the ukulele and grab the guitar instead. "Just a second, I have to switch out the tabs." 

Y/N does so, playing around with the chords on the fret board. "How are y'all doin' tonight?" They ask in an exaggerated country accent. "Now, I'mma ask y'all a question: S- fuck!" Y/N cuts the accent off sharply, unable to suppress laughter. "Fuck guys, I can't take this shit seriously. I was gonna ask if you guys wanted a Johnny Cash song but I can't do the accent for long enough to even try." 

_EllaHarvey918: can...can we have some more beatles?_

"Ella, you always ask for the Beatles," Y/N says, and they can almost see the girl and her puppy eyes. "Fine." 

_EllaHarvey918: yes yes yes yes yes!_

_GeorgeIsGone: oh HELL YEAH_

_waxyboy: ooooo which one????_

" _Close your eyes and I'll kiss you, tomorrow I'll miss you, remember I'll always be true_ ," Y/N says, playing as best they can without looking up the chords. " _And then while I'm away, I'll write home every day, and I'll send all my loving to you_." 

_GeorgeIsGone: THIS ONE?? I LOVE THIS ONE_

_GeorgeIsGone - 100 Bits_

_marisagolden: oh so THESE are the vibes for tonight?_

_marisagolden - 250 Bits_

"Cool it with the bits, guys!" Y/N laughs. "I'm serious, you'll all way too kind." 

CactusCanon: yeah, over inflated ego my ass

" _I'll pretend I am kissing, the lips I am missing, and hope that my dreams will come true_ ," Y/N continues. " _And then while I'm away, I'll write home everyday, and I'll send all my loving to you._ " 

_EllaHarvey918: you always pick out the best ones, i swear_

_EllaHarvey918: or maybe you just make them the best ones, idk_

_EllaHarvey918: - 50 Bits_

"You're too kind, Ella, thank you so much," Y/N says, meaning every word. 

This was gonna be a good stream. 

12:07 AM EST

"Ethan?" 

"Yes?" Ethan replies, dragging out the 's' sound. Y/N's stream had ended a few minutes ago and they both had had the same idea - hope on Discord. 

"Why're you simping for me?" 

Ethan laughs lightly, and it's one of the sweetest sounds that Y/N's ever heard. "Because you're my friend, and you're talented and amazing and simping is one of the only ways I can express that in the chat without you yelling at me." 

Y/N smiles at him. "I don't yell at you." 

"When I give you too many bits, yeah, you do." 

"That's not yelling, that's me telling you to save your money for someone who actually deserves it." 

"And you don't?" 

"No," Y/N says, the smile starting to drop from their face. "I don't think I do." 

"Why not?" 

"Because it's not really fair, I guess," Y/N says. "You've worked so hard to get to the point where you are now, and I haven't worked as hard as you have, at least it doesn't feel like it, and I don't think I deserve it." Wow, it's really time to open up to Ethan. The words are just spilling out of their mouth, and they can't stop it. "And it seems like anything anyone gives me is too much. What's that thing called? Where you don't feel like you're not good enough for the things you've been given?" 

"Impostor syndrome?" 

"Yeah," Y/n says, looking away from their desk and back at Ethan. "It's kinda like that." 

"You've worked your ass off, Y/N," Ethan tells them and they open their mouth to protest, and he raises a finger, silencing them as if he was in the room with them. "No, don't you tell me you haven't because I know that you have. You can put out a cover, fully edited and clean, within two days, start to finish. You edit all of your own music. You play every single instrument in your songs. You stream every three days and you're recording a whole fucking album, Y/N, that you wrote by yourself. You've worked your fucking ass off, and don't you dare think otherwise." 

Ethan's so assertive in his words that Y/N actually starts to believe him despite the self-doubt still looming in their thoughts. Maybe he's right. Maybe Y/N does deserve what they've worked for. 

But there's always that nagging telling them that they didn't. 

Y/N spots the RedBull in Ethan's hand. "Which ones is that?" 

"It's my second, but the first one was a couple hours ago," Ethan tells them. "Which one are you on?" 

"My third, and then I'm done," Y/N tells him. Ethan gives them a look. "What?" 

"Did you eat dinner?" Y/N thinks. Not really. They hadn't been hungry, so they had poked at their leftovers from lunch. "Y/N?" 

"No," They answer. 

"Y/N, you have to eat otherwise you're gonna have a heart attack!" 

"I'm not gonna have a heart attack!" 

Ethan looks at them, shaking his head with a smile. "Go get something to eat. I'll be waiting for you when you come back." 

Y/N leaves to go get their leftovers again, popping them in the microwave so they're not totally cold. It's fried rice from the new Thai place that Drew had been begging them to go to, and it was good. Spicy, but good. 

They come back, and just like Ethan said, he's waiting for them, this time with his ukulele in hand. "Welcome back, what did you get to eat?" 

"My leftovers," Y/N answers, stabbing their fork into a piece of broccoli as they sit down. "Are you going to serenade me?" 

"I figured I'd return the serenading," Ethan tells them, strumming out a chord. "Is that alright?" 

"Of course it's alright," Y/N smiles. "Perhaps you won't cry on me." 

"Perhaps, but it is a very emotional song, so you might have to comfort me a bit." 

"Comforting the serenader? When I'm supposed to be the one serenaded? Very unorthodox." 

"Y/N?" 

"Yeah?" 

"You're a fucking dork." Y/N laughs and takes another bite of their food as Ethan starts. " _I was all right for a while, I could smile for a while, But when I saw you last night, you held my hand so tight when you stopped to say 'Hello'..._ " 

Y/N sits back in their chair, watching as Ethan focuses on the fret board. It must be a new chord, Y/N thinks. 

"And though you wished me well, you couldn't tell that I'd been crying over you, crying over you," He sings, watching as Ethan closes his eyes. " _Then you said 'so long' left me standing all alone...Alone and crying, crying, crying, crying..._ "Y/N sees Ethan focus on the right chords, and it's cute, it really is. They've never thought someone just focusing on something was cute before, and Y/N realizes that they're falling hard, and fast. " _It's hard to understand that the touch of your hand...can start me crying..._ "Ethan looks up and he smiles. "What?" 

"I did't say anything!" Y/N laughs. 

"What?" 

"Nothing! I didn't say anything," They repeat, looking a the curve of his lips and the way he smiles at them. It's a nice smile, it's one that makes Y/N feel warm inside. "You sounded lovely, Ethan. You also picked one of my favorite songs." 

"I would hope it's one of your favorites," Ethan tells them. "It's the first cover of yours that I listened to." 

"Really?" 

"Yeah. I, uh, accidentally clicked on it and I heard it and my first thought was, 'Wow, I need to step my shit up'." 

"You sound great, Ethan," Y/N tells him. "And I'm being honest. I'm not one to sugar-coat shit." 

"You might just have to let me sing on your album." 

"i might just have to." 

Ethan looks at them with a certain look in his eye that Y/N can't quite place-- it's the same look he had when he told them that he cared about them. "We need to do movie night one night," Ethan tells them, changing the subject before Y/N could try and figure out what it was. "Like on Rab.it or something." 

"What movie would you want to watch?" Y/N asks. 

"I don't know, aren't you the movie expert?" 

Y/N shakes their head with a smile. "Expert? No. Do I have very strong opinions about certain movies? Yes." 

"So you're a critic?" 

"Who isn't?" Y/N tells him. "I mean, everyone's a critic, and that's not me saying it to say it. Everyone has to have something wrong with their favorite movie. Like, uh, Goodfellas! Goodfellas is one of the best movies ever made, but everyone hates the ending. It's lazy." 

"Isn't it based on a true story?" 

"Just because it's based on a true story doesn't mean it has to stay true to the story. Also, not every movie that says it's based on a true story means that it is. Like Fargo. None of that story is true, not even a little bit," Y/N explains. "And it's like the "best movies of all time" aren't understandable whatsoever. Like, uh, Citizen Kane! I have no idea what that movie's about. Not a clue. I've watched it like five times and I have yet to fully understand it. It's like I watch it and it's just begging for me to completely blank out." 

"I don't think I've ever finished it." 

"Don't," Y/N tells him. "It's not worth it." 

"I'll take your word for it," Ethan replies. "We could watch Hereditary." 

"Scary movie, scary movie, I like it," Y/N says. "Will you be there to comfort me during all the scary parts?" 

"Of course I will. Who would I be if I didn't comfort you during the scary parts?" 

"A really shitty person." 

"And I'm not." 

"I know you're not, Ethan. Unless you steal my dog." 

"Then I'm a really shitty person." 

9:57 AM EST

"Oh, shit," Y/N says as they wake up, almost falling as they stand up to let out Beef. They stumble up and open up the backdoor, watching the dog go out and find the little spot he wants to pee in. "Sorry, bud." 

They yawn, rubbing their eyes before crossing their arms. Beef comes back in, nuzzles at their leg, wanting ups. "I'm not picking you up, you just peed, dingus." 

Beef lets out a little whine and Y/N sighs, ducking down to pet the flat-faced pug. They reach up and close the door before standing back up and walking into the kitchen. 

It's a tad late for coffee but they don't care, they need to wake up. They don't understand why they're so tired, they just know that they are. They start making a small pot while they remember the events of the night before. 

Stream, talking with Ethan for a few hours, then bed. A new routine. 

They had stayed up a lot later than usual talking to Ethan, at least to four in the morning, and when Ethan realized what time it was he made Y/N go to bed. It was a small thing, but Y/N knew that he cared about them. 

Their phone buzzes in their pocket, and it's Drew. "Hello?"

"Are you awake?" 

"A little bit." 

"Good, 'cause we're gonna go do shit." 

"Now?" Y/N asked with a groan. "Really?" 

"Yes, really," Drew tells them. "Why are you so whiny?" 

"I just woke up, asshole, you know that," Y/N replies. They didn't really have a mental capacity to deal with going out yet. They couldn't. "And I'm not being whiny, I'm being realistic." 

"How are you being realistic?" 

"Because no person in their right mind would want to go out with someone less than fifteen minutes after they woke up. This isn't one of those middle school overnight trips that you wake up at four in the morning for, this is you wanting to go and do dumb shit." 

"It's not dumb shit." 

"Then what do you want to go do?" 

"I can't tell you over the phone." 

"Why not?" 

There's a pause. "Because it's dumb shit." 

"Exactly," Y/N says. The let out a sigh, and look over at the pop of coffee and the clock on the microwave. "Give me like twenty minutes, okay? Then I'll let you do dumb shit with me." 

"Okay!" 

Y/N hangs up and pinches the bridge of their nose. "Christ," They say. "I'm not ready for this shit." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> songs mentioned in this chapter: 
> 
> Ghosting - Mother Mother  
> All My Loving - The Beatles  
> Crying - Don McLean
> 
> movies mentioned in this chapter:  
> Goodfellas (1990)  
> Fargo (1996)  
> Citizen Kane (1941)  
> Hereditary (2018)
> 
> all usernames other than Crankgameplays were made up for the purpose of this story. if anyone with any of these usernames exist, please let me know so i can change them. thank you so much!


	6. All Together Now

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You got quiet."
> 
> "I'm not quiet," Ethan says. 
> 
> "You're getting defensive."
> 
> "I'm not getting defensive," Ethan says, and realizes what he's said. "Okay, I am a little defensive."
> 
> "Ethan," Brian says in a stern voice. Brian never gets stern. "You're gonna tell me what's going on with you, and you're gonna tell me now, or you're gonna have to find a new best friend."  
> ~  
> Ethan and Y/N have their nightly talk, and Ethan tells Brian about his feelings. Movie night ensues.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> reminder that i cannot write music for the life of me, so none of the "album" songs are actually ones that i have written. songs of Y/N's album will be denoted in the notes with (ALBUM) written beside them.  
> this chapter is in Eef's POV, and I think I'm going to make every third chapter in his POV.

9:47 PM PST

" _Good times for a change...See, the luck I've had can make a good man turn bad_." 

Ethan watches as Y/N plays a chord and shakes their head before strumming a different one. They did that a lot, shaking their head after something isn't quite right. 

" _So please, please, please, Let me, let me, let me...let me get what I want this time_." 

Ethan watches quietly, seeing Y/N lose themselves in the song. They had warned him it was short, and he told them he didn't care. Music was music, and as long as it was coming out of Y/N's mouth, it sounded like the most beautiful music he had ever heard. 

" _Haven't had a dream in a long time, see, the life I've had can make a good man bad_ ," They sing, and he sees their face shift, from something soft to a harder emotion, almost like they were frustrated. With who? " _So for once in my life, Let me get what I want...Lord knows, it would be the first time..._ " 

Ethan had started to notice a pattern in Y/N's music-- well, not a pattern, but definitely a sad tone. He didn't like seeing Y/N sad, and he didn't like seeing them sad. In fact, it made him sad. And them seeing him sad probably made them sad. A whole big circle of sad. Not a good thing. 

" _Lord knows, it would be the first time..._ " 

Ethan claps and he sees Y/N opens their eyes, their concentrated look changing back to that soft smile that they always had. "Very good, very good." 

"Thank you much, good sir," They say as they set down the guitar. "I want to add something at the end, maybe not lyrics wise, but like some guitar plucking and shit like that." 

"That sounds cool," Ethan tells them. "Where'd you get the inspiration from?" 

Y/N shrugs. "I'm not exactly sure. I had an idea and I let the words comes from that. I think I just sat down and let everything come out, and I've just spent the last couple days working on the chords and everything like that." 

"Last couple days? You've been hiding this masterpiece from me for the last couple days?"

"I haven't been hiding it!" Y/N protests. "I just... never told you about it." 

"That's the definition of hiding it." 

"I can make an argument--" 

"No, you fucking can't," Ethan laughs. 

"I can try," Y/N says with that energy that he's known them to have when they're fucking around, and he loves that energy that comes from them. It's gentle and funny, but it's always honest. "Why do you ask?" 

"About what?" 

"About inspiration." 

Ethan hesitates to answer. His quick debate on telling the truth in his head is thrown out the window when he tells them anyway, "Because it was pretty sad and I wanted to make sure that you were okay." 

"Aw," Y/N says with a smile. "Does Ethan care about me?" 

Of course he does. More than they would ever know. "A lil' bit." 

"Aw, I care about you a lil' bit too." 

They're not interested in him, there's no way. No one's been interested in Ethan, genuinely, for a while now. And here he was, sitting in front of his computer screen too scared to read something wrong and lose one of the fastest friendships he's ever gained. There's so much on the line, and he does want to know them, more than as a friend, but he can't risk losing them. 

So, instead of trying to find a way to bring it up, his mind finds another topic. 

He does this several times throughout the night. 

11:03 AM PST

Ethan reaches down below his desk to pet Spencer, who is busy gnawing at his new rope toy, while he starts editing a new video. It's a follow-up to Hades, since so many people wanted to see more of it. He had originally saved it for streams, but he needed to put some sort of content out and that was the first thing that came to his head. Plus, he was giving Justin a break, and he figured he should be editing more anyways. If he didn't do it enough, he was gonna fall out of practice and be shit at editing when he had to do it again. 

So, here he was, editing. He was on his second RedBull of the day and he was just working. That's all he could really think about, if he was being honest. 

Well, other than Y/N. He was wondering how they were doing. If he had kept them up too late and if they had actually gone to bed or stayed up after they had finished talking. He wondered if they were actually taking care of themselves like they had said they would. He wondered a lot of things and worried if they were doing things for themselves that he didn't even do for himself. 

He should probably work on that. The whole self care thing and all. 

His phone buzzes and he doesn't check it. He knows if he checks it he's gonna lose his focus. It buzzes again, and he realizes that he's not actually focused on his work. It's just a vehicle to keep himself from doing absolutely nothing. 

_Brian: you've been kinda distant lately, you good?_

_Brian: do you wanna play minecraft and get your mind off of whatever?_

Ethan sighs. Had he been distant? Shit. That's not good. It wasn't like he was doing anything important. Yeah, he had been streaming, and yeah, Unus Annus had been coming to a close and he was nervous and excited for the end, but was he being distant because of that? Or was he just in a slump? 

He shakes his head, clearing out his thoughts before replying to Brian. 

_Ethan: yeah, i'll join the server in a sec_

Keeps him from doing work. Keeps him from thinking about Y/N. Hopefully. 

He saves the video twice to be safe and closes the editing software before joining Discord and opening up Minecraft. 

"Hello, hello, hello," Brian says. "Are you moping?” 

“No, I’m not moping,” Ethan says. “I was never moping, I haven’t moped in two weeks.” 

“Is that a new record?” 

“Fuck off.” 

“I’m just fucking around, dude,” Brian tells him in a really chill voice. Brian might be the king of chill voices, in Ethan’s opinion. “Are you recording? Do I need to put the YouTube guest voice on?" 

Ethan laughs lightly. "No, I'm not. Are you?"

"Nah. Thought about it, but I'm not in the mood right now," Brian tells him. The world finally loads up and before Ethan can even think about his first move, Brian starts attacking him. He's dead in seconds. 

"Brian?" 

"Yeah?" 

"What the hell." 

This goes on for a couple hours, and Ethan actually feels better after a while, laughing with Brian and keeping everything out of his mind that could make him feel bad about himself or the current situation. He doesn't even check the time until his phone buzzes again. 

_YikesItsY/N is going live on Twitch!_

"What?" He hears Brian ask. 

"What?" Ethan says right back. 

"You got quiet."

"I'm not quiet," Ethan says. 

"You're getting defensive."

"I'm not getting defensive," Ethan says, and realizes what he's said. "Okay, I am a little defensive."

"Ethan," Brian says in a stern voice. Brian never gets stern. "You're gonna tell me what's going on with you, and you're gonna tell me now, or you're gonna have to find a new best friend."

"Don't Ferris Bueller me," Ethan says before he sighs. "I don't know. It's, uh, complicated. There's this, uh, person, and I've been talking to them, and I think I'm into them, but I don't think they feel the same towards me." 

"Ethan, darling, you're an absolute catch and you know that," Brian tells him. Is he right though? Probably not. "Anyone would be lucky as hell to have you. Now, who is the lovely person?"

Ethan hesitates. "Y/N," Ethan says after letting out a sharp breath. 

"Y/N," Brian repeats. "As in YikesItsY/N?"

"Yes."

"Y/N? Y/N L/N? That Y/N?"

"Yes."

"Y/N with a voice from the heavens?"

"For the love of fuck, yes, that Y/N!" Ethan says, exasperated. "I...shit dude, they're across the goddamn country! What the hell am I supposed to do?" Brian's quiet for a while. Is he thinking? Is he reconsidering how likely of a chance Ethan has? He's probably doing that. Ethan has no chance at all. 

"Tell them how you feel," Brian tells him after a while. "I mean, think about it. What's the worst thing that could happen?" There were a lot of bad things that could happen. A lot. If they felt the same, then they were both in love with people across the country and they might not ever get to meet because of it. Or, if they do get to meet the spark might not be there and Y/N might not feel the same again. Or they might not feel the same at all. "Ethan?"

"I could lose them," Ethan says, crossing his arms and putting his left hand on the side of his face. "I could lose them, Brian. I...there's just so much going on and it feels like you, them, and Spencer are some of the only constants in my life."

"What do you mean?"

Ethan thinks of everything that's been going on. "Unus Annus is ending, my mental health has been complete shit, my ADHD has been kicking my ass lately and I can't fucking focus on anything without losing all motivation to actually do something, and it's...fuck, man, I don't know. I feel like I should be focusing more on actually working, but instead the main thing I look forward to is talking to Y/N every night."

"You've been talking to them every night?" Brian asks. "For how long?"

"About three weeks," Ethan answers. "I...I know that they trust me, they've opened up to me a lot, and I want to open up to them, but I feel like as soon as I do I they're not going to want to deal with all of this shit going on and I'm just being stupid."

"You're not being stupid," Brian tells him. "Your anxiety is just bouncing off the walls. How much caffeine have you had today?"

That sounds like a question he'd ask Y/N. Ethan sighs, running a hand through his hair. "Too much."

"You're gonna give yourself a headache if you don't stop."

"Too late."

12:27 PM PST

"Ethan?"

"Yes?"

"I cannot tell you how much I loved and hated that at the same time," Y/N laughs. "Just, what the hell? What the hell was even that?"

"Yeah, that's the general reaction," Ethan laughs. There was a part where Y/N was scared, and Ethan wanted nothing more than to hold their hand. Of course, he couldn't, so he had to tell them that it was okay, they even had to pause the movie. "What part did you like the most?"

"When Peter's smoking and Charlie comes in and instead of trying to hide it he's just like, 'oh shit, what's up?'" Y/N tells him. "Like, dude, you should be able to tell when your sister is having a fucking allergic reaction. And did he not have an Epipen? That's irresponsible as fuck. I mean, you've had your Epipen on you since forever ago. It's common sense."

Ethan nods. "You're right, you're right."

"But?"

"But it's a horror movie, Y/N, they're not supposed to have common sense," Ethan tells them. "I mean, if we went to a party, hypothetically, would you bring an Epipen for me?"

"Absolutely I would," Y/N replies in an instant. "That's life or death for you. I know you're responsible about asking what goes into something and about telling people that you don't know how serious your allergy, fuck, you have to wear a medical alert bracelet, but if I didn't carry one to this hypothetical party then I'd feel responsible for not helping do something that's just common fucking sense."

Ethan looks at them. Shit, they do care about him. A lot. Still, that nagging feeling that he wasn't good enough persisted. "You mean that?"

"Every word," Y/N says, nodding. "I care about you, Eth. I really do."

"Even in hypotheticals?"

"Even in hypotheticals," they assure. There's a few seconds of silence, and Y/N's lips part like they're going to say something. God, he wants them to say something so he can say it back. They hesitate, closing their mouth, and then they say, "What do you think was the worst part of the movie?"

"Everyone being naked at the end," Ethan answers. "Nothing wrong with it, it just felt unnecessary. I get that it's supposed to be a a cult, but I just...why?"

"No, yeah, I get that," Y/N nods in agreement. "And it's like...there's all these naked people? Adults? Worshiping a teenage boy? It's..."

"Gross," Ethan finishes. "And then you think about how that was supposed to be Charlie. An actual child."

"Adults are weird, man," Y/N says, and Ethan quirks an eyebrow. 

"Aren't you an adult? And have been an adult for a few years now?"

"I might be able to vote, Eth, but I do not have my shit together enough to be considered an adult," Y/N tells him. "I mean, I went to high school with people who are now having kids. Actual fucking kids. Babies. And these are the same people who I saw get shitfaced before Homecoming and going to class still drunk on Monday, and they're supposed to be the adults?"

"Shit's wild," Ethan says, stifling a laugh. 

"And then there's the people who I saw skip every class they could manage and now they have legitimate jobs and work their asses off," They continue. "And...and then there's me. I didn't do anything that special in high school. Now I'm doing this. It's...it's like I don't have any of my shit together. I'm not an adult. I'm just a kid who got lucky and now I panic that I'm not good enough when I don't get attention and I hate it when I do get attention because it doesn't feel like I deserve it." They pause for a second, before looking up from their desk to their screen, presumably at Ethan. They look like they're almost broken, so vulnerable, and Ethan wants nothing more than to hold them and comfort them and tell them that they deserve everything. Because they do, they really do. He just doesn't know how to tell them. "You're probably getting sick of hearing this shit."

Ethan shakes his head, quickly. "No, no, it's fine, really. I understand, completely. I...I don't have my shit together either. It's okay to not have your shit together. And I get not feeling like you deserve any of it, but Y/N, you've worked your ass off. You deserve it. You really do. I don't know how to make you feel like you do, but I think you deserve every single thing you've gotten, and I mean that."

Y/N nods, and laughs, "I love that I'm not the only one who doesn't have my shit together."

Ethan nods and smiles. "I love it too."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> songs mentioned in this chapter: 
> 
> Please, Please, Please, Let Me Get What I Want - The Smiths (ALBUM)
> 
> movies mentioned in this chapter:  
> Ferris Bueller's Day Off (1986)  
> Hereditary (2018)
> 
> all usernames other than Crankgameplays were made up for the purpose of this story. if anyone with any of these usernames exist, please let me know so i can change them. thank you so much!


	7. All You Need Is Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's just a boy. "And if you ever need self-validation, just meet me in the alley by the railway station...It's all over my face," They finally break the strumming pattern, their hand stopping over the strings. "It's all over my face." 
> 
> They finger pick a view notes that sound pretty and stop. They stop the recording and save it, not bothering to listen back to it. Not yet. They're not in the right head space for that. Their throat burns from holding back tears. 
> 
> It's not just a boy. It's Ethan.  
> ~  
> Y/N starts breaking down from the previous day's events. They record a song for their album, and come clean to Ethan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING! This chapter includes mentions and descriptions of harassment. It's nothing too major, but it should still have a warning due to its manor. I'm going to include this in the tags as well.

10:33 PM EST

" _And you were beautiful and vulnerable and power and success. God damn, I fell for you, your flamethrowers, your tunnels, and your tech._ "

_cursedsweettea: damn i did not expect to hear a TikTok song the second i got on the stream_

" _I studied code because I wanted to do something great like you, And the real tragеdy is half of it was true._ "

_waxyboy: FUCK CAPITALISM_

_waxyboy: other than you making money for your work, that's fantastic_

_waxyboy - 100 Bits_

Y/N laughs and says thank you before they start the next verse. " _But we've been fuckin' mеan, we're elitist, we're as flawed as any church, And this faux-rad West coast dogma has a higher fuckin' net worth._ "

_Kiki'sDreams: damn hearing Y/N say fuck, it's immaculate_

" _I bit the apple 'cause I trusted you, It tastes like Thomas Malthus, Your proposal is immodest and insane, And I hope someday Selmers rides her fuckin' train._ "

_GeorgeIsGone: who the fuck is thomas malthus_

_CrankGameplays: i have no idea_

Ethan. They still hadn't told Ethan about what happened. Y/N smiles through that thought, trying to remember how the melody for the chorus went. They were shitty at melody sometimes, so they just had to say fuck it and go for it. " _I loved you, I loved you, I loved you, it's true, I wanted to be you and do what you do, I lived here, I loved here, I thought it was true, and I feel so stupid, and so used, I feel so used_."

_GeorgeIsGone: can someone PLEASE tell me who thomas malthus is_

_"_ I, uh, have no idea. That's actually a great question, George," Y/N says. They pull out their phone, Googling it. "Thomas Malthus...Thomas Robert Malthus was an English cleric, scholar and influential economist...dude said that 'the superior power of population is repressed by moral restraint, vice and misery'... what the hell does that even mean?"

_GeorgeIsGone: thank you for the google, kind soul_

_cursedsweettea: isn't that the dude Ebeneezer Scrooge is based on_

_CrankGameplays: SCROOGE?? MCDUCK?_

_Kiki'sDreams: not McDuck, eef_

"Oh my god, the dude was mentioned in Urinetown, what the hell," Y/N laughs out. They hadn't heard about Urinetown in years, and they were not about to start hearing about it again. 

_waxyboy: what the hell is Urinetown_

_marisagolden: trust me, you don't want to know_

_toomucharizona: y/n, please elaborate on Urinetown_

"No, I'm not going to elaborate on Urinetown. That's not happening," Y/N laughs. 

_EllaHarvey918: please? my cat wants to know_

Y/N sighed. They'd do just about anything for Ella's cat. "Fine. It's about this town that's in the middle of a drought and you have to pay to piss in order to conserve water."

_CrankGameplays: WHAT_

_Juliasucks777: EXCUSE ME_

Y/N grimaces, nodding. Don't think about Ethan. "Yeah, it's gross," They say, turning off their phone and placing it upside down on their desk. Don't think about Ethan. "ANd the worst part is that it was on Broadway. I don't know for how long, but it was there."

_cursedsweettea: y/n i want to let you know that ever stream i join i learn something new_

Y/N smiles. "Thank you, sweet tea. That's fantastic. I have a lot of useless information in my head and I'm glad that I get to put it out into the world for someone to enjoy," They say. Don't. Think. About. Ethan. "Hey, if my music career fails, then at least I could become a quiz master or something. That'd be cool."

A flood of messages come through about their music career isn't going to fail, and they have to say thank you what feels like hundred of times over. That fear of failure is diminishing, and that's good, but it still exists. Along with the fear of not being good enough. Shit, maybe they have an inferiority complex. They should probably get that shit worked out. 

Oh, well. Can't worry about that now. It's ukulele time. 

12:32 PM EST

The phone rings and Y/N immediately knows who it is. "What do you want?"

"Woah, Y/N, a little hostile there. Maybe you're the one who should be going to therapy and not me," Drew tells them and they roll their eyes. 

"Don't Donnie Darko me, asshole," Y/N says back. "I said a week. It's been two days."

"That's long enough."

"No, it's not," Y/N tells him. "I told you a week so I can attempt to forgive you."

"I did nothing wrong."

Y/N hangs up then and there. He did nothing wrong? Nothing wrong? He ignored their feelings and it hurt. Drew calls again. And again. The third time, Y/N picks up. 

"What?"

"What are you doing?" Drew asks. 

Y/N looks around their recording studio. "Recording. Leave me alone."

"Can I buy you a coffee?"

"No."

"Can I get you lunch?"

"No."

"Can I--"

"Jesus, Drew," Y/N pinches the bridge of their nose. "No. Means. No. Now leave me alone."One ring. Two rings. Three rings. Four. "Christ, Drew! What do you want?"

"Is it a bad time?" It's a new voice. Ethan's voice. Y/N had given him their number last night during their usual Discord call. "I can call back."

Y/N shakes their head fast before remembering that Ethan can't see it. "No, no, it's fine! I just, uh, me and Drew are in the middle of something." They still hadn't told Ethan what caused the something. They need to tell him what caused the something. They have to. Then again, they have to tell him a lot of things, but Ethan might not have the same feeling about those things. "What's up?"

"I found a ukulele that I think you'll like," Ethan says. "It's a bass ukulele, and it's really cool." Y/N smiles. 

"Ethan?"

"Yeah?"

"You know me so well," Y/N laughs out. "I'll be sure to check them out."

"You won't need to, just check your P.O. Box in a couple days."

Y/N had their P.O. Box in the description of every Q&A so that way people could write to them if they wanted to. "You did not--"

"I did."

"You asshole!" Y/N laughs. 

"You told me I couldn't give you bits, so I went for the next best option!"

"Buying me an actual fucking instrument? How am I supposed to explain that on streams?"

They can almost hear the shrug in Ethan's voice. "Just say you got it from a friend."

A friend. Right. "Will do."

"Is everything okay?" Ethan asks, the concern very present in his voice. "What's wrong?"

They should tell him. "Nothing. Nothing's wrong." Liar. 

"Y/N--"

They need to tell him. They sigh. "It's hard over the phone, alright? I just...I'm still processing everything. Can I tell you tonight?"

"Yeah, of course," Ethan says. "You can tell me anything, you know that, right? I'll do my absolute best to help you through it in any way I can, Y/N."

They knew he meant that. It was still hard to talk about it, though. "I know, Ethan. The same goes for you. I gotta go, alright?"

"Alright. I'll see you tonight, alright?"

"Alright." _I love you._ "Bye." 

"Bye." 

Y/N hangs up, sets their phone down, walks out of the recording studio, past Beef's dog bed that he moved into the hallway, to the couch, and they plop face down onto the couch. And they scream. And the punch the cushions. And they cry. They let out every emotion that they can, and it's all forming in waves and it burns their throat and stings their eyes and heaves in their chest until it's all just _pain._ They exhaust themselves, crying their heart out because they can't tell a boy that they like him. 

Finally, they can call themselves down. They rub their face with their head in their hands, elbows propped up on their knees. Crying over a boy. Y/N hadn't done that in years. Beef barks at them, as if he was calling them ridiculous. "What?" Y/N asks, lifting their head up as the pug trots his way over. He jumps up onto the couch and lays the front have of him on Y/N's lap. "Are you judging me for having a cry session?" 

Beef nuzzles himself further into them. He's comforting them. "Yeah, yeah, I know," Y/n says, sniffling. "I need to go back to recording." 

Beef whines as they get up, but he stops when Y/N turns back and pets his head. Beef is content, so Y/N should be content. They go back into the studio, let out a deep breath, and sit back down before grabbing the guitar and pulling up all the recording software. 

" _On the day that your mentality... decides to try to catch up with your biology, Come round..._ " Y/N sings and strums, finding the words as they go. " _'Cause I want the one I can't have, and it's driving me mad, and it's all over, all over, all over my face_." 

The tears are still fresh on their cheeks and their face is still hot from crying. " _On the day that your mentality catches up with your biology...I want the one I can't have, and it's driving me mad. It's all over, all over, all over my face._ " 

They try to keep themselves calm. They can do this. It's just a song. It's just a boy. " _A double bed and a stalwart lover for sure, these are the riches of the poor. A double bed_ _and a stalwart lover for sure. These are the riches of the poor._ " 

Riches of the poor? What kind of pretentious asshole says that shit? But, as they think about it, and as the words linger in their mouth, they become true. " _And I want the one I can't have and it's driving me mad, and it's all over, all over my face..._ " 

It's just a boy. They can do this. " _A tough kid who sometimes swallows nails, raised on Prisoner's Aid. He killed a policeman when he was thirteen, and somehow that really impressed me, and it's written all over my face..._ " 

It's just a boy. " _Oh, these are the riches of the poor, These are the riches of the poor._ " 

" _I want the one I can't have, and it's driving me mad, and it's written all over my face...,_ " Y/N slows their strumming a bit. They know they need to finish. " _On the day that your mentality catches up with your biology..._ " 

It's just a boy. " _And if you ever need self-validation, just meet me in the alley by the railway station...It's all over my face,_ " They finally break the strumming pattern, their hand stopping over the strings. " _It's all over my face_." 

They finger pick a view notes that sound pretty and stop. They stop the recording and save it, not bothering to listen back to it. Not yet. They're not in the right head space for that. Their throat burns from holding back tears. 

It's not just a boy. It's Ethan. 

11:34 PM EST

"Hey, how've you-- are you okay?" Ethan asks almost immediately, his cool and casual tone becoming worried almost instantly. 

Y/N quirks up and eyebrow. "What? I'm fine." 

"Y/N, have you been crying?" 

For hours. "No, no, I've been smoking. Big dubs." 

"Y/N--" 

"Honest to God--" 

"Y/N," Ethan cuts them off. "Don't lie to me. Have you been crying?" 

Y/N hesitates, then sighs, then nods. They need to tell him the truth. That's the only way things can get better. "Yeah. For a little while." 

"Why? What's wrong?" 

"I finally broke down," Y/N explains. "I finally processed everything and...it just kind of broke me." 

"What happened?" 

"I...whew, okay," Y/N says, letting out a nervous laugh, leaning back in their chair to try and figure out how to explain the situation to Ethan. "Uh, so, two days ago, Drew took me out to lunch. When we were there, he introduced me to his friend, I think his name was Kevin. Uh, Kevin kept hitting on me and trying to touch my shoulder and leg and I was really uncomfortable, and I kept telling Drew that, but Drew didn't really understand," Y/N explains. Ethan's head is tilted, he's listening. He looks agitated, no, not agitated. He looks mad, but Y/N knows that's not directed to them. "Then, uh, when I went to tell him to fuck off, he kissed me." 

Ethan's eyes go wide and he sits up. "He kissed you?" 

Y/N nods. "Yeah. And, I just, I froze up. I couldn't process it, until now, I guess. And I know it's stupid to--" 

"That's _harassment_ , Y/N. It's not stupid to be upset over that," Ethan tells them. "He did something he shouldn't have done. He made you uncomfortable and he should've been able to tell that you were uncomfortable." 

"Then, uh, I left. I walked to nearest bus stop and went home and just laid in my bed until it was time to stream," Y/N says. "Uh, before I talked to you I told Drew that I didn't want to hear his voice or see him for the next week, and then I talked to you," Y/N finished the recounting of events. "I know I should've told you that night, but...I couldn't. I couldn't get the words past my throat to tell you what had happened, so I just...pushed it away." 

"I'm just glad you told me," Ethan says. "So, when I called earlier, I guess Drew had been trying to call you all morning?"

Y/N nods yes. "He thinks he can just go get me coffee or lunch like it's going to fix the fact that he didn't tell me he was trying to set me up with someone or that he ignored how I was feeling in the situation. I can't talk to him right now. I'm too...what's the word? Like a notch down from hysterical?"

"Neurotic?" 

Y/N snaps and points at Ethan. "That's it. I'm neurotic. I'm too neurotic and he hasn't had enough time to figure out what he did wrong, or at least figure out why what he did was wrong." 

"You're not neurotic, Y/N, you're still reeling from what happened, and that's okay. That doesn't make you neurotic," He tells them. Doesn't it, though? Y/N knows that Ethan has more to say, he always does when there's pauses like this. "Do you know where Kevin lives?" 

"Why?" 

"I'm just asking--" 

"Ethan, you are not going to fly out here to bust the back of someone's knees out," Y/N says, half joking, half serious. "You can fly out here and visit me when I'm out of my hypothetical neurotic state. I'm not being an excuse for you to carry out your violent tendencies." 

"What violent tendencies?" Ethan says with a soft smile. That soft, lovable smile that just melts Y/N's heart every damn time they see it. "Fine, I'll wait. So, in this hypothetical trip when you're not neurotic, what will we do?" 

"Well, hypothetically, we could go and bust the back of Kevin's knees out," Y/N says, and Ethan shakes his head. 

"Now _you're_ the one with violent tendencies," Ethan laughs, and Y/N laughs right back. 

"Hypothetically!" 

"Does that make it much better?" 

Y/N pauses, their smile breaking as they part their lips. "No, not really." 

They both laugh for a wile, and Y/N feels at least a little at peace. "Are you feeling better?" Ethan asks them. 

"Yeah." 

"Are you done crying for the night?" 

Y/N shrugs. "Who's to say?" 

"Who's to say," Ethan repeats. He looks over at the time. "It's almost midnight over there. Have you gotten any good sleep?" 

"I've been sleeping a lot." 

"That doesn't really answer the question." 

"No," Y/N answers. 

"When was the last time you ate?" 

Y/N thought for a moment. That morning? Maybe? They hadn't had that much of an appetite because of their emotions. They hadn't been hungry. "I...I don't remember. I know I've been drinking a lot of water, but I can't remember the last time I ate." 

"Go eat something, take some melatonin, and go to bed." 

Y/N shakes their head. "I want to talk to you, though." 

"Y/N, you can talk to me any time. You need to go take care of yourself." They sigh heavily, and Ethan shakes his head. "If you need me, you can call me, alright?" 

"Alright." 

"I care about you," Ethan says. Those aren't the words Y/N wants to hear. They know that they might not ever hear them. 

"I care about you too," Y/N says back. They sign off, do what Ethan told them to do, and they go to their room, lie down on the bed, and fall asleep on top of the covers, too tired to do anything else. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> songs mentioned in this chapter: 
> 
> rät - Penelope Scott  
> I Want the One I Can't Have - The Smiths (ALBUM) 
> 
> movies mentioned in this chapter: 
> 
> Donnie Darko (2001)
> 
> all usernames other than Crankgameplays were made up for the purpose of this story. if anyone with any of these usernames exist, please let me know so i can change them. also, i am very aware of the inconsistencies with some usernames, that's on me being forgetful. thank you so much for reading!


	8. And I Love Her

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Y/N sighs. "I know, I know, I need to take care of myself better, I'm going to go to bed, okay? Say Goodnight to Spencer for me."
> 
> "Okay," Ethan says. "Say Goodnight to Beef for me." 
> 
> "You know I always do." 
> 
> "Goodnight, Y/N."
> 
> I love you. "Goodnight, Eth."  
> ~  
> Y/N talks with Ethan about the situation with Drew, and speak of the devil, he calls. Y/N makes a decision and Ethan puts on a British accent. Who isn't in love with Mr. Darcy?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so, uh, i'm posting this on the last day of Unus Annus because i don't know how to cope with losing it, and i bet some of you don't either. please, enjoy this, and if you still need a hug after it's over i'll be more than happy to give it to you

1:03 AM EST

" _Flowers in the garden wearying of the "hate me, hate me not", Wait, they forgot, Woe, oh the rot!_ " Y/N's eyebrows quirk up before furrowing, unsure if they got the melody right with that line. Oh well. It's not like Ethan knew the song they were singing, so it wasn't like he was going to judge them. Even if he did know the song, Ethan still wouldn't judge them. " _Deeper in they crept, Oblivious of the bears and darker terrors, Or none were there, How did they dare?_ " 

"Bears? There were bears?" 

“The bears don’t matter that much to the story.”

”Are you sure?”

"Shut up, Ethan." 

"Fine." 

" _I was in the middle ground looking to find the Fountain of infinite mirror. Tree falling, no one would hear, Shadow of nobody there...Murders of murderers living in fear of it_ \-- fuck! I fucking hate that high note." 

"It sounded good!" 

"No, it did not, it sounded like an old gay cat dying of dementia," Y/N laughs out before sighing. "I wish I could actually sing that note. I've tried dropping it down, it doesn't sound right, so then I go an octave lower than I'm supposed to, and that sounds even weirder, so I try going for it and then we end up in situations like this." Y/N looks from the spot they had been staring at during their rant to Ethan, and he's just listening, looking content. "Eth?" 

"Hmm?" 

"You good?" Y/N asks with a smile. 

"Never better," He says. 

"Is my rant boring you?" 

"Y/N, I could sit and listen to you talk about the way paint dries for hours and never get bored," he says, and Y/N's heart skips a beat. It's so casual, it's like they were dreaming it. Did he really mean that? "Of course, you're not going to talk about something as boring as paint drying, that's just not in your nature, but even if you did I'd still be more than happy to listen to you." 

Y/N smiles. He's just being nice. "It's glad to know someone is still hear to listen to my musical rants." 

Ethan sits up. "You still haven't talked to Drew." He's gotten good at picking up on what's going on in the last few weeks. He can tell when something is off or when they don't feel good, even when they're talking to him through a computer screen. 

They shake their head. "I can't. I haven't been able to bring myself to do it. It's been over a week and I still haven't answered any of his calls. I want to forgive him, he's been my best friend for years, but..." Y/N's mouth stays open but no words come out, and their hands move to try and form a word but they can't, so they place their hands in the pockets of their jacket, thinking about it. Finally, they settle on it. "But I can't forgive him because he knew how I felt, and he's known how I felt for a long time now, and he went and invited Kevin anyway." 

Ethan nods. "If you're not ready to forgive him yet, that's okay. You don't have to. That's completely up to you, Y/N." 

"I know, I know," Y/N says, exhaling. 

"You said he ignored your feelings and did what he did anyway. I don't know," Ethan says, his hand on the side of his face, his pinkie settling on the corner of his lips. Y/N loved when he did that. "Maybe talk to him about it? See what he has to say? It's been over a week." 

"That it has." 

"I can't give great advice on the situation, I've never really had to go through this before," Ethan says, a nervous laugh present in his voice. Well, not nervous. Maybe just a laugh to get it out easier. "What I do _know,_ though, it's that it's past 1 over there." 

Y/N sighs. "I know, I know, I need to take care of myself better, I'm going to go to bed, okay? Say Goodnight to Spencer for me."

"Okay," Ethan says. "Say Goodnight to Beef for me." 

"You know I always do." 

"Goodnight, Y/N."

I love you. "Goodnight, Eth."

12:47 PM EST

Y/N holds their ukulele in their hands, tuning it for the first time in two weeks. They know they should make sure it's in tune more than they do, but it's fine. It hasn't hurt it too much. They sighed, holding it in playing position. They hadn't posted a cover in a while. It wasn't the time for Billy Joel yet. They should probably record. They have nothing better to do, plus, Beef is already a willing audience. 

Y/N smiles at the pug, cuddled up on his doggy bed that he had pushed into the corner adjacent from their desk. Y/N wasn't really sure when he had done that.

Never mind. At least Beef was there. They pulled up the recording software, tested out a few chords, and started strumming. " _When I hold your hand, it's my second skin. So I'll hold your heart, Oh, like porcelain_ ," They sing, trying their best not to hesitate on the words. " _And I'll fall in love, all over again. You know you're coming with._ "

" _So it's true it's not forever, cause our bones will fall apart, so let's take the time we have to shine, illuminate the dark_ ," They sing, pausing after a moment. They still continue to strum, like they're on autopilot.

They're thinking of Ethan again. Damnit.

" _When I greet the dawn, I hear you fumbling_ ," They start again. " _Bathroom light on, water in the sink. You enter in, now I can commence another day my friend_." They emphasize friend as best they can.

It's like they have to. They don't want to. It hurts.

" _So it's true it's not forever, cause our bones will fall apart, so let's take the time we have to shine, illuminate the dark,_ " They repeat, their eyes wandering back up to Beef. He's watching tentatively. They smile at him and the dog smiles right back.

" _Now back in bed, another day is spent. Hand in my hand, and it's alright again_ ," And they want to hold Ethan's hand. To feel its weight in theirs. To feel something other than the hurt in their heart. " _It's a simple thing, How two souls can fit. Forever lies in this."_

" _So in truth this is forever, cause our bones were just the start_ ," And they know they can finish. It's just a song. They should know that. But, of course, it's not just a song. If Y/N kept telling themselves that these were just songs then they'd be lying.

They should tell Ethan. " _So let's take the time we have to shine. Illuminate..._ "

They need to tell Ethan. " _Illuminate..._ "

They have to tell Ethan. " _Illuminate the dark._ "

But how? How do you tell someone that you're hopelessly in love with them when they're across the country from you? How in the name of anything holy where they supposed to do that? Would Ethan even feel the same? How would he even react to that?

Y/N stops the recording, sighing. They feel a nudge at their feet and it's Beef. They pick him up as they set their ukulele down. "Hey buddy. You coming to comfort me?"The dog licks at their hand has they pet his head, making Y/N laugh. "How do you always know when I'm upset over a boy?" 

Beef doesn't answer. He doesn't have to. He's a dog. 

Y/N's phone buzzes. They ignore it. They don't have the emotion to care about it right now. 

Now, they just have to think. 

Then their phone buzzes again. 

And again. 

_Drew: Look, I know you still don't want to talk to me in person, but I still need to apologize. I fucked up with Kevin, and I'm sorry._

_Drew: I know buying you coffee isn't going to fix what I did. I could buy you a thousand coffees and I wouldn't be able to pay for what I did._

_Drew: I'm sorry for being dumb and not getting you out of the situation. Can we please talk?_

Y/N sighs. They're really glad that their reads aren't on. They can act like they didn't see it until later. They can wait until tomorrow. They can do a lot of things. But they chose to just answer the texts. 

_Y/N: okay_

_Y/N: you get 5 minutes to make yourself not look like an asshole_

_Drew: Okay. Can I call you?_

_Y/N: go ahead_

Drew calls them, and Y/N picks up. "Hello?" 

"When does the five minutes start?"

"Now."

"Okay," Drew starts. "I should have told you about Kevin. I didn't because I didn't want you to immediately turn down the idea."

"You understand how bad you fucked up with that?"

"I do."

"How bad? On a scale."

"From Watergate to the Lincoln assassination, I did a Chernobyl," Drew tells them. "And when I didn't tell him to fuck off when you told me you were uncomfortable, I don't think there's a nuclear disaster that can show how badly I fucked up."

"Yeah, that sounds about right," Y/N says. They still hadn't heard an apology. They still hadn't heard Drew try and redeem himself. A part of them didn't want Drew to. There was no coming back from what he had done, and Y/N understood that completely. 

"Y/N, I am sorry, and I don't know how to apologize to you in a way that makes things right."

"Then what the hell are we talking about?" Y/N says before they can stop themselves. "Why are you trying to apologize if you know that it's not going to make things right?"

"Because you're my best friend, Y/N," Drew says, and for some reason, Y/N doesn't believe him. It feels like a forced answer, like Drew didn't actually mean it. If he meant it he would've understood that what he did was wrong, on all accounts. "You've been my best friend since high school, and I don't know how to make this work out."

And Y/N knows that this isn't going to work out. Drew fucked up, and he fucked up bad. There was no coming back from this. They knew what they had to do, and it hurt to do it, but they knew it needed to be done. 

Y/N sighs. "If you don't know how to apologize to me then you're not my best friend. If you wanted to call yourself my best friend then you wouldn't have invited Kevin."

"Y/N--"

They glance at the clock. "That's five," They say, and hang up. 

Y/N didn't know what they had just done, but it didn't feel terrible. It didn't feel great. 

It just felt empty. But, then again, that spot had felt empty for a while now. 

4:57 PM EST

Y/N lies down on the couch, Beef immediately climbs on top of them so that he's laying on their stomach as they're propped up on the side of the couch. "What kind of movie are we watching tonight, bub? Comedy? Horror? Biopic? Drama?"

Beef barks at drama. 

"Alright, drama it is. Pride and Prejudice?"

The pug barks again. 

"Pride and Prejudice it is," Y/N says, turning on the movie. It starts up and they realize how much they actually needed a movie night by themselves and with Beef. But, the more they watch, the more empty they feel. 

They wish Ethan were there. They wish he was watching this with them. Shit. Should they text him?

They contemplate it as they stare at their phone, looking at their messages. They stare for the better part of ten minutes. What should they say? How do you talk to people again?

_Y/N: i wanted to tell you that you looked like a pride and prejudice character but it simply wouldn't be true_

They sigh, turning off their phone and placing it face-down on the other side of the couch, now sitting up. If they don't look at it, they won't feel as awkward after sending the text. Right? 

So why the hell do they feel so awkward?

It feels like an eternity but it's only a few minutes until Ethan texts back.

_Ethan: are you really watching a period piece right now?_

_Y/N: maybe_

_Ethan: without me?_

_Y/N: perhaps_

_Ethan: you're cruel_

_Y/N: what're you gonna do about it_

The moment they sent that they regretted it. Especially when Ethan calls them.

"Hello?" Y/N answers.

"How much longer do you have on the movie?"

Y/N checks the time stamp. "About an hour and a half."

"Good," Ethan says. "I'm gonna talk to you for an hour and a half."

"You know I can pause the movie, or hang up on you."

"You won't," Ethan tells them.

They raise their eyebrows. "How are you so sure?"

"Because you don't pause for shit and you don't hang up unless I'm making you go to bed," Ethan say, and Y/N laughs. "Don't laugh at me, it's true."

Y/N shakes their head. "I'm laughing because it's true, and I'm sure that you have something better to do than talk to me."

There's a pause, and Y/N's not exactly sure who's fault it is. "Did you talk to Drew?" Ethan asks, completely changing the subject. 

"Yeah, I did," Y/N tells him. "It went...well, it went. I don't plan on talking to him again, at least not for a while."

"Did he apologize?"

Y/N sighs. "He tried. I told him he had five minutes to make himself not look like an asshole, but, uh, he couldn't do it. He pretty much told me that he couldn't find a way to apologize to make things right and I realized that if he went and did that shit then he has no right to be that close to me."

"And now you're watching Mr. Darcy to cope, I'm assuming," Ethan says, the laughter very present in his voice. 

_I'd rather be watching you stream, or talk, or do anything._ "Are you judging the healing skills of Mr. Darcy's charming looks?"

"Not at all!" Ethan says before putting on a British accent. "I am a very firm believer in the healing properties of Mr. Darcy's charming looks and delightful manner of speech."

"Delightful? Who said anything about this man was delightful?" Y/N asks, feeling the smile grow on their face. 

"It's an expression," Ethan tells them, and with the accent he sounds so pretentious that Y/N has to say something. 

"Ethan, you sound like Prince Charles after he cheated on Diana."

"What does that sound like?"

"An asshole."

"Sorry," Ethan says in his normal voice, and it's such a stark difference that they both bust out laughing. It's nice. Y/N hasn't felt this nice in a while. "What would you prefer I sound like?"

"Like that," Y/N says almost softly. "Like Ethan."

"That's a hard one, I'll admit, but I think I pull that off."

Y/N smiles, leaning back into the couch. "Glad to hear you can manage such a tough gig."

"Oh!" Ethan says. "I just listened to your Tom Goss cover!"

Their cover? What-- oh _no._ "Yeah?"

"Yeah! I thought you were gonna do that Miracle Musical song but then you posted that and I just--Y/N?"

Don't fuck this up. "Yes?"

"It was one of the best damn songs you've ever sung."

"Really?"

"Yes, really! You put so much passion and emotion into it, and now that I've seen you sing so many times, it was like I could see you singing the song and it was just-- it was so good!"

 _That's because I'm thinking about you when I sing, idiot._ "Thank you, Ethan. That really helps. More than you know."

"Did the uke come in?"

Y/N shakes their head. "No, the uke has not come in yet. I told you I would let you know when it came in, and I plan on keeping my word."

"I know, I know, I'm just impatient. I really want to see you play it," Ethan tells them. "It looks so cool and it just really fits your vibe."

"Ethan, you like seeing me play in general. Me playing with a new instrument doesn't change very much," Y/N says. "I will tell you the second it comes in, alright? I'll call you in the post office."

"You better."

"You say these things like I don't keep my promises," Y/N says. "So far, I have kept up every promise we have made."

"Oh yeah? How many RedBulls have you had today?"

Y/N sighs. "Three."

"And what did we agree on?"

"One."

"Exactly."

"You're not much better!" Y/N tells him, exasperated. "Did you eat like you were supposed to today?"

"I finished my lunch before I called you."

Y/N glances at the clock on the oven. "Lunch?"

"Yes, lunch."

Y/N continues to stare at the clock. "It's a quarter past five."

"Timezones, Y/N," Ethan reminds them. "Timezones."

Y/N's eyes dart back to the TV. "Right."

"What's going on with Mr. Darcy?"

Y/N watches for a few moments before their eyes move away again. "Nothing with Mr. Darcy right now, it's that weird scene with her cousin who wants to marry her."

"Oh, gross," Ethan laughs. "I hate that guy. I know at the time it was acceptable because of money and all that but it's still weird and kinda gross."

Y/N shakes their head. "And she doesn't show any interest in her cousin either. She does the bare minimum to be nice -- she even ignores his ass at the ball! And the dude still wants to marry her. I can't even remember his name."

"Aren't you watching the movie?" Ethan asks. "Can't you hear his name?"

"I'm not going to pay attention to hear the dude's name so we can just shit talk his actions."

"We're not shit talking! We're analyzing critically."

Y/N groans. "I haven't heard that since my senior English class."

"You still remember your senior year?"

"Less and less." They both laugh and fall into a silence. It's not uncomfortable. It's nice. It makes Y/N want Ethan to be there, but it's nice. They look back at the TV. "Hey, Eth?"

"Yeah?"

"I think I've fallen in love with Mr. Darcy."

"Good, 'cause I have too."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> songs mentioned in this chapter: 
> 
> Murders - Miracle Musical  
> Illuminate the Dark - Tom Goss
> 
> movies mentioned in this chapter:
> 
> Pride and Prejudice (2005)
> 
> all usernames other than Crankgameplays were made up for the purpose of this story. if anyone with any of these usernames exist, please let me know so i can change them. also, i am very aware of the inconsistencies with some usernames, that's on me being forgetful. thank you so much for reading!


	9. And Your Bird Can Sing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> But, as the song continued on, he realized just how much he missed Y/N’s voice in that moment. Sure, he had just heard them sing and sure, he was going to talk to them tonight, but he still missed them. 
> 
> Holy shit, is Ethan falling in love? Is he letting himself do that? 
> 
> He is. He is and he’s not sure how to feel about it. 
> 
> He knows it’s not a bad thing. Love is a fantastic and beautiful thing but it’s also a scary and unnerving thing that makes you want to vomit and cry and cuddle and make you feel like you could die and live forever at the same time.  
> ~  
> Ethan listens to Y/N's new song. He consoles them while they're drunk. Y/N streams and texts Ethan a message.

10:45 AM PST

" _When you walk without ease on these streets where you were raised...I had a really bad dream, it lasted twenty years, seven months, and twenty seven days...I never, I'm alone, and I never, ever oh, had no one ever..._ "

Ethan listens to the strumming of the guitar. It's the first song that Y/N's released off of their new album. They never showed him this one. He would've remembered. This seemed like it was older that there other songs. More hollow. Like they were missing a part of themselves. Or someone else. 

" _Now I'm outside your house. I'm alone and I'm outside your house...I hate to intrude._ "

Ethan loved how Y/N played the guitar. They had told him that they didn't play with guitar picks, and that was what their family always sent them for Christmas, other than socks with funky patterns on them and slightly-too-big-sweaters. Ethan thought that Y/N would look adorable in an over-sized sweater. He didn't tell them that though. 

" _Oh, alone, I'm alone, I'm alone, I'm alone...I'm alone, I'm alone, and I never, never, oh, had no one ever..._ "

Ethan stops what he's doing. This song was two years old now, if Y/N had written it when they were 20. He hated knowing how long they had felt like that, and with everything that had just happened with Drew, who knows how Y/N felt about feeling alone. 

" _I never had no one ever I never had no, no one ever..._ "

Y/N never asked Ethan for help. They never asked him for any help. They told him what was going on in their life but they never asked him for help. Was he not doing enough? He hoped they knew how much he cared. How he would be there for them any time of day. 

" _Had no one never...Never, no...Oh..._ "

He hoped they knew how much he loved them. 

Spencer nudges at him, bringing his attention back to what he was doing before. He was playing Tug-of-War with Spencer and his big chunky rope toy. Ethan had told Y/N about Spencer's toy being the same as Beef's, and that brought a smile back to his face as a new song started up. 

But, as the song continued on, he realized just how much he missed Y/N’s voice in that moment. Sure, he had just heard them sing and sure, he was going to talk to them tonight, but he still missed them. 

Holy shit, is Ethan falling in love? Is he letting himself do that? 

He is. He is and he’s not sure how to feel about it. 

He knows it’s not a bad thing. Love is a fantastic and beautiful thing but it’s also a scary and unnerving thing that makes you want to vomit and cry and cuddle and make you feel like you could die and live forever at the same time. 

Still, it’s not like he has anyone to really talk about it with. He told Brian and Brian was just...Brian. He could talk to Morgan but he'd probably get the same answer he got from Brian He could tell Mark and Amy but they’re too busy working on the second part to Heist. He could maybe ask Wade because he’s married he should know about these things, but Ethan has a feeling that if he asked Wade, Wade would say that he doesn’t even know how he got that far. He could try calling Bob, or his brother, or his dad or his mom but as he reaches for his phone he can’t think to call anyone except for Y/N. 

8:57 PM PST

_Y/N: if you don’t hear from me after tonight’s stream know that i care about you more than i have ever cared about anyone in my entire life_

_Ethan: what the fuck are you doing?_

_Y/N: fuck around and find out?_

Ethan knew that he had to call Y/N as soon as the stream ended at that because he knew when they said “fuck around and find out” it usually meant they were either doing something bad for them or they were going to do something stupid. And he didn't want them to do either. 

"Ethan!" Y/N says as he calls them, picking up almost instantly. They had been waiting for him. They wanted to talk to him. "I was wondering when you were gonna call. But, uh, now that you're here, you need to convince me to not give myself a stick-and-poke right now.” 

“Do not give yourself a stick-and-poke. Do not do that.” 

“But I have everything I need!” Y/N tells him. “I have the proper needles, I have the ink, I’ve already shaved the part of my leg...” 

“Have you ever done it before?” 

“No.” 

“How many RedBulls have you had in the last six hours?” 

“Two. And an iced coffee.” 

Ethan sighs. “How bad is your hand shaking?” 

“Not...terribly?” 

“Jesus Christ,” He says, exasperated. “I know I can’t physically stop you at the moment but for the love of all things holy if you give yourself a tattoo right now I’m gonna never let you hear the end of it.” 

“But Ethan!” They half-whine, half-laugh. “What if it looks super cool?” 

“What time is it over there?” 

“Like midnight.” 

Ethan shakes his head. “It’s not gonna look super cool,” He says, having to laugh. 

“But it’s an awesome idea!” 

Ethan’s eyebrows quirk up. They never say shit like that. “Are you drunk?” They don’t answer. “Y/N, are you drunk?” 

“Perhaps.” 

“Yeah, no, you’re not giving yourself a tattoo,” He tells them. "No good decisions are ever made under the influence of alcohol after midnight."

"So if I had asked you before midnight--"

"No, Y/N!" Ethan says, his free hand flying up to his hair, holding it back. "I'm not going to let you do something alone and drunk when I know you haven't been in a good mental state for a while now."

There's a few seconds of silence before he gets anything back. "Shit, Ethan. You really do care about me."

His breath hitches. He lets go of his hair. "Of course I do." _I love you_. 

"Drew...Drew would've encouraged me to do it," Y/N half-laughs, half-Ethan doesn't know what. "He would come over and help me do it."

"I'm not Drew," Ethan tells them. He doesn't want to be Drew. He doesn't want to be the kind of person Drew was to y/N and he especially doesn't want to replace what they had. Drew broke Y/N's trust and if Ethan broke their trust he would never forgive himself. He wouldn't be able to move on from that. "Are you feeling okay?"

"Yeah. I think so," Y/N tells him. "I'm a little sad and impulsive but overall I'm okay."

"Why are you sad?"

There's hesitation. He hates hearing when Y/N hesitates. "I don't know," They say after a while. Their words sound hollow. Just like they did in the song. "I wish I knew why I was sad, but I can't place it right now. It's like something is empty, something's keeping me from feeling whole and happy and I don't know what and I hate it."

"Is there anything I can do?" Ethan asks. He wants to help. He would hate it if he could do something and didn't. 

"You can fly out here and give me a hug," Y/N says. "You can give me a hug and we can watch sappy rom-coms and make hot chocolate until I stop being sad."

Ethan sighs with a smile. "Anything I can do right now?"

"Let me keep talking to you until I fall asleep," They tell him. He hadn't heard them get up or walk around or anything. Maybe because he was so focused on their voice. "And tell me what rom-com is your favorite."

"Hmm," Ethan says, sitting down in the swivel chair. "I'm gonna have to go with Legally Blonde."

"Shit, that one's good," Y/N says. "I forgot about that movie. We have to watch it. When are you gonna fly out and see me?"

They're being serious. When was Ethan gonna fly out and see them? Would he tell them how he felt first? Would he wait until he actually met them? "When I get a jacket thick enough for the East Coast again."

"Damn," Y/N says. " _It's gonna take a little time, while you're waiting like a factory line..._ "

"Are you singing yourself to sleep?" Ethan asks them. 

"Well, you're not doing it," Y/N replies. " _I'll ride across the park, backseat on the 79..._ "

Ethan sighs. "Do you want me to sing you to sleep?"

"Yes," They answer fast. "Slow part of that song. It's really pretty. But, like, sing it really slow. Don't do the voice break thing at the end of the song, it'll throw off the whole mood. Sorry, that sounds rude. Do whatever you want to do."

Shit. Was he about to sing them to sleep? What if he fucked up? 

Well. Fuck it. 

" _No excuse to be so callous, dress yourself in bleeding madras, charm your way across the Khyber Pass..._ "

"You have a really pretty voice, Eth."

" _Stay awake to break the habit, sing in praise of Jackson Crowter, watch your step along the arch of glass..._ "

He can hear Y/N yawn. "You need to sing to me more. Please, keep going."

A soft smile grows on Ethan's face, he can feel it tugging at the ends of his lips. "No excuse to be so callous, dress yourself in bleeding madras, charm your way across the Khyber Pass..."

Another yawn, and he hears them mumble something. He doesn't really bother to ask. It'll keep them from falling asleep. "Stay awake to break the habit, sing in praise of Jackson Crowter, watch your step along the arch of glass..."

He hears Y/N mumble a few words, and he can hear the blanket slide of the phone's mic. "Y/N?" He asks. No response. "Y/N?"

They mumble a few words that Ethan can't make out before they say, "You're the best," and then they hang up. 

Shit. Ethan was falling hard and fast. And now there was nothing he could do about it. 

9:27 PM PST

" _Oh well the world never seemed bigger than the summer of '98, living out in the suburbs, planning my escape._ " 

_toomucharizona: i love this song!!!! i can't believe i got a request!!_

_GeorgeIsGone: i have no idea what this song is but i love it already_

Ethan smiles at the kind comments. That's one of the things he loves about Y/N's streams. The people in it are always so kind, so nice, and they're funny and genuine. They don't do anything but talk about their interests and make everyone feel as welcome as possible. 

" _I grew my hair to my shoulders, formed a band with a couple of friends, and we called ourselves The Devils Playhouse, influences like Bruce and the band._ "

_CrankGameplays: staying true to style with the song choices, i see_

_bugsoup: i just joined, i'm so lost but i am very comfortable with the energy in this stream today_

" _And we'd sing and play simple three chord rock and roll, and miles away, the other kids would just grow old_ ," Y/N sings, pausing to read the comments. "This is very true to my life. High school, at least."

_lighthouseboys: i'm glad no one here remembers high school, it makes me feel less shitty about my memory skills_

_marisagolden: oh same_

Ethan laughs at that. So does Y/N, and he remembers just how much he loves to hear them laugh. 

" _But we're making our own way out, Yeah we're making our own way out_ ," They continue, that smile that makes Ethan's knees go weak returning to their face. " _Well we'd practice every week in my bedroom, while my parents were working in town, and one morning in our school assembly, played a cover of "Don't Let Me Down"..._ "

It mad Ethan happy to know that he had caused that smile before. That he had told them a joke that made them laugh. He had told stories that put a smile on their face. Shit, maybe that was enough. Just causing a little bit of happiness for them. 

Ethan knew it wasn't enough, but he would have to deal with it for the time being. 

" _The performance was nervous and awkward, but the passion was real and profound, and the kids in the audience laughing, while the band just looked at the ground_ ," They sing, and Ethan's noticed they way they read the chat. They never look directly at it unless a message catches their eye, they always look out of the corner of their eye to make sure not that much chaos is going on. " _But the victory for the kids who believe in rock and roll, I know for me that performance lives, it never grows old, but we're making our own way out, yeah we're making our own way out_ \-- thank you for the bits, Marisa! Thank you so much, Cacti! You guys help out way more than you realize."

_marisagolden: i wish i could give more_

_cactuscanon: me too, but i am but a poor college student_

_cursedsweettea: alas, i can not bestow my humble gifts upon my liege this week_

Y/N laughs. "Why are you guys all talking like Victorian children who have typhoid fever?" They ask, their face shifting in what Ethan guesses is their posh look. "Oh, woe is me! I cannot produce the seven pieces of silver my lord has asked of me! Please, please sir, can I give thee my humble gift of bread and soup?" 

Ethan laughs at that. Y/N never failed to make him laugh, even when they were both doing silly and dumb shit. 

_CrankGameplays: i don't think Mr. Darcy would be very impressed with your word choice_

Y/N looks into the camera as if they're looking right at him, their smile complimenting with the way they talk. Ethan's heart almost bursts. He loves that smile. He would give anything in the world to see it in person. "Fuck off, Ethan. Mr. Darcy would love my manner of speech." 

When did Ethan say he was gonna fly out to see them? When he got a heavy enough coat for the East Coast?

Yeah, well, he might have to go ahead and start shopping. 

1:37 AM PST

_Y/N: hey Eth?_

_Ethan: yeah?_

_Y/N: you're my favorite person_

_Ethan: you're my favorite person too_

_Y/N: :)_

_Ethan: :)_

_You changed Y/N's name to Y/N <3\. They can't see this. Tap to change it at any time. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> songs mentioned in this chapter: 
> 
> Never Had No One Ever - The Smiths (ALBUM)  
> M79 - Vampire Weekend  
> Give It All Back - Noah and the Whale
> 
> movies mentioned in this chapter 
> 
> Legally Blonde (2001)  
> Pride and Prejudice (2005)
> 
> all usernames other than Crankgameplays were made up for the purpose of this story. if anyone with any of these usernames exist, please let me know so i can change them. also, i am very aware of the inconsistencies with some usernames, that's on me being forgetful. thank you so much for reading!


	10. Another Girl

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Y/N laughs. They think for a moment. If it wasn't for Beef and a dumb movie, they wouldn't have been talking to Ethan. A dog brought them together. Well, not together. Not yet. 
> 
> How cliche. 
> 
> What a dork.   
> ~  
> Y/N shows Ethan a picture of Beef before they meet Brian and Chris. They continue recording their album, and Brian calls them out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the wait! i wanted to find a good way to bring in Brian and Chris without it being awkward, so i hope you enjoy!

2:27 PM EST

"Beef, what do you have in your mouth?"

The pug stops, looks over at Y/N, and continues chewing, slowly. 

"I said, what do you have in your mouth?"

The pug only chews faster, starting to back up and away from Y/N. 

What ensues is Y/N yelling at their dog to come back as he runs around the house, finally cowering under the bed and spitting out a pick holder. 

"Oh, Beef," Y/N says, picking up the chewed plastic covered with drool. "You can't eat that, bud." It didn't look like he had gotten it open, but if he did Y/N was going to have to taken him to the vet. 

As they get up to wash their hands, they pull out their phone to take a picture of the chewed up holder to send to Ethan. He'd think it was pretty funny. 

_Y/N: hey, you can come get Beef now. he chewed up my pick holder_

_Eth <3: mmm, gross! i'll take him_

Y/N laughs. They think for a moment. If it wasn't for Beef and a dumb movie, they wouldn't have been talking to Ethan. A dog brought them together. Well, not together. Not yet. 

How cliche. 

What a dork. 

9:42 PM EST

"No, no, no no, The Usual Suspects isn't that good of a movie!" Y/N protests. "I don't know if it's a nostalgia thing that makes the okay seem great but that movie just isn't that good. The plot is boring, the ending sucks, Kevin Spacey's in it -- that should be enough by itself -- and the rest of the cast is kinda sub-par. I don't know, it feels like a movie we're supposed to watch with your dads and pretend that it's really good so we don't get our asses beat."

"You know what, Y/N?" Brian says. "You don't lie. You really don't." 

"Thank you, Brian!" Y/N exclaims, glancing at chat but not really reading it. Ethan and Y/N played Among Us with a few of Ethan's friends a couple days ago and Y/N and Brian had really hit it off, and by hit it off Y/N means that they could talk to Brian without him getting sick of them. Now, they were all playing Fall Guys. Of course, this was Y/N’s first time playing. “Now, how the fuck do I do this shit?” 

“Oh, uh, I don’t know,” Brian says. “I thought Ethan knew.” 

“No! No, I don’t!” Ethan exclaims. “I haven’t played this one before. Y/N, Brian, where are you guys?” 

“I’m dead, dude. I’m trying to spectate you guys and I can’t get to you until this dude dies,” Brian says. 

“I’m by the pink pole thingy,” Y/N tells Ethan. 

“Which one?” 

“Fuck if I know,” Y/N tells him, and then they’re pulled off the side by another player with a random username and shoved into the pink goo, straight to their death. “Damnit.” 

“What?” Ethan asks. 

“I got pushed off. I’m dead now. Ethan, I bestow upon you my earthly possessions.” 

“Like, all of them?”

“Yes. I bequeath them unto you.” 

“No offense, Y/N, but that’s not a lot.” 

“Fuck you,” Y/N laughs. “Brian?” 

“Yeah?” 

“Would you like all of my earthly possessions?” 

“I’m also dead,” Brian says. “But I’ll take ‘em. I’ll put your house on the market and haunt the next owners, Poltergeist style.” 

"I never saw Poltergeist," Ethan says. "It was one of those movies that my brother was like, 'You can't be in here when I'm watching this' and I just listened to him like the dumb little seven-year-old I was. I still haven't even wanted to watch it."

"I haven't seen it either," Y/N says. "I've heard so many mixed things about it. I'm not even sure if it would be worth the watch." 

"Okay, wow, I didn't think that both of you would be that uncultured," Brian says. "Seriously? Both of you?" 

"Yes, seriously!" Y/N laughs. They glance at the chat, which is now going crazy about this fact. "I've never seen it. I've never felt the need or want or whatever. Before Covid shut down my state, me and.." They pause for a moment. It was supposed to be Y/N and Drew. "Me and one of my friends were supposed to go see it at a movie theater, and then boom, Friday the 13th of March, everything got shut down." 

_toomucharizona: i'm still reeling-- HOW HAVE YOU NOT SEEN THAT MOVIE?_

_GeorgeIsGone: it's on netflix, you realize that, right?_

"Yes, chat, I know it's on Netflix, I just haven't cared to watch it yet. I'm not gonna watch a movie about a haunted house when I live alone with my dog. Not the safest choice when I already have high blood pressure."

"You only have high blood pressure because you drink three RedBulls everyday, which I already told you to cut down on," Ethan tells them. 

"Like you're any better about it."

"Jesus, you two sound like an old married couple," Brian says, and Ethan and Y/N both laugh. Well, Y/N knows that they have to laugh. "But seriously, we all need to watch that movie. I'll talk to Morgan about it. Hey, do you guys think that Chris would want to play?" 

"I'll text him, I'll be right back," Ethan says, and Y/N can hear him mute his mic and step away from the keyboard. 

Does Brian know? Can he tell? Is that why he said what he said? If can tell, who else can? Can Ethan tell? Does he know and is he just giving Y/N pity because he knows that they don't really have any other friends? What should they do?

"Y/N?" Brian says after a minute, waking them from their little trance. "You good?"

"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine," They say. "I zoned out for a minute."

"You sure?"

"Yeah, I'm a-okay," They tell Brian. "I don't think I've met Chris. I've watched you guys play with him but I don't know him personally."

"Chris is fun. Sometimes he doesn't know how to play, but he's fun."

"Brian? You do know that I still don't know how to play and it's been an hour, right?"

"Oh, yeah, well, that's tough, Y/N."

They bust out laughing. There's no reason to, but the way Brian worded it, it sounded like one of the funniest things that Brian could've said. 

_cursedsweettea: low blow, brian_

_Kiki'sDreams: yeah, low blow_

"Everyone's saying you went for a low blow," Y/N tells him. "And you kinda did, if we're being honest."

"Yeah, it was a low blow, I'll bust your fucking knee caps," Brian says before a crackle of static and new voice enters the voice chat. 

"What the hell are you guys talking about?" The person who Y/N assumes is Chris says. "I just got on to 'bust your fucking knee caps Brian, are you experiencing violent tendencies again?"

"Perhaps," Brian says. "It's not like Y/N's any better."

"Fuck you!" Y/N laughs. "Hi, Chris, I'm Y/N," They say in a totally different manner of speaking. 

"Ethan, why are all of your other friends so violent?" Chris asks as Ethan turns his mic back on. 

"I don't know, if we're being honest," Ethan says, and Y/N can feel their face turn into a grin. 

"You're a liar, Ethan Nestor," Y/N says. "We both know exactly why you have violent friends."

"It's the blood kink, isn't it?" Brian asks, and everyone roars in laughter. Y/N laughs so hard that their stomach starts to hurt. 

"It's-it's not a blood kink," Y/N says, trying to catch their breath. "It's just that he's just as violent as I am."

"I am not," Ethan protests. 

"Dude, you threatened to bust out the back of Kevin's knees. I'd call that just as violent as I am."

"Who's Kevin?" Chris and Brian asks, and Y/N freezes. They don't know what to say. They're sure the chat is asking the exact same question, and how were they supposed to answer? Just straight up? Say that he's just an asshole? What do they do? 

"Not important," Ethan answer for them. "Just know, Kevin, if you're being a weirdo and you're watching this stream, or any of these four streams, I'll fucking find you and mess you the fuck up." 

"Kevin, I have no idea who you are, but I already like Y/N a lot and I'll come with Ethan and help him beat you up."

"Same here," Brian says. "I keep a baseball bat in the back of my car for a reason. Also, to the people who do keep bats in the back of their care, remember to have actually baseball stuff in there because you'll get pulled over for just having the bat. But, yeah, Kevin, fuck you."

Y/N smiles, and they smile hard. "Thanks, guys. Now, tell me, how the fuck do I play this map?"

"Shit if I know," Chris says, and they all continue on. 

4:57 PM EST

There comes a time in every musician's life where they debate on whether or not they should record a song because the person they write the song about will know that it's them. That's just the law of things. It's how life must go. To record the song, or to not record the song.

Well, if you're Y/N in this case, you say fuck it and record the song. 

" _Sing me to sleep, sing me to sleep, I'm tired and I...I want to go to bed.._."

They strum softly, figuring out the pacing on their lines. 

_"Sing me to sleep, sing me to sleep, and then leave me alone..._ "They sing. If they change the events, Ethan won't know it's about him. But if they change them too much it's not going to feel genuine, and then Ethan will know something's up. " _Don't try to wake me in the morning, 'cause I will be gone.._."

How do...how do they do this? How do they make this song right? " _Don't feel bad for me, I want you to know...deep in the cell of my heart, I will feel so glad to go..._ "

But they won't. They know that they won't. They don't want to ever leave, that's the problem. " _Sing me to sleep, sing me to sleep, I don't want to wake up on my own anymore..._ "

They can't imagine a world where they wake up and Ethan's not there. That he's not on the other end of the line, always ready to pick up at a moment's notice. " _Sing to me, sing to me...I don't want to wake up on my own anymore_."

They have to stop. They pause the recording and set down their guitar, slump down in their chair, and let out the longest sigh of their life. "Fuck," They say, far more broken and harder then they ever thought they were going to let out. Beef lifts his little head up, but he lays it back down. He's tired. "Fuck, I need to go do something."

Doing something meant aimlessly walking around their house until they calmed down, then going back and recording a lighter cover before going back and finishing their own song. They needed something to post. Something that let Ethan think that everything was a-okay. 

“ _Angel of Corpus Christi, You're so mystic, Tell me what I want to hear..._ ”

11:47 PM EST 

_Eth <3: i didn’t know you listened to pavement, it sounds really good :) _

_Y/N: thanks eth :)_

_Eth <3: i’m gonna listen to it all night, thank you for this gift _

11:50 PM EST 

_Brian: do not tell me you posted a pavement cover because you’re in love with Ethan_

_Y/N: fuck off, bri_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> songs mentioned in this chapter: 
> 
> Asleep - The Smiths (ALBUM)  
> Father to a Sister of Sister of Thought - Pavement
> 
> movies mentioned in this chapter
> 
> The Usual Suspects (1995)  
> Poltergeist (1982)
> 
> all usernames other than Crankgameplays were made up for the purpose of this story. if anyone with any of these usernames exist, please let me know so i can change them. also, i am very aware of the inconsistencies with some usernames, that's on me being forgetful. thank you so much for reading!


	11. Any Time At All

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Y/N looks back up at the screen. There's no way. There is no way that Ethan would be singing about them. Brian was just saying that to mess with them. 
> 
> "If the sun has faded away, I'll try to make it shine, there is nothing I won't do," Ethan sings, his fingers slipping a bit on the last chord and he fixes it quickly before it makes a sour note. That's something that they did. He picked it up from them. "When you need a shoulder to cry on, I hope it will be mine, call me tonight and I'll come to you."
> 
> Was he singing about them? How were they supposed to tell? What if Brian was really just fucking with them? 
> 
> What if Brian was telling the truth?  
> ~  
> Ethan sings on stream leaving Y/N wondering things. Y/N records a new cover, people are sent back to the emo phases, and Among Us shenanigans ensue.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi guys! i'm gonna answer a few questions here: 
> 
> 1\. yes, I will be making a holiday themed chapter, but I'm just just going to make it ~festive~ and relatively religiously ambiguous, since too many fics here assume readers are Christian/Catholic, and assuming religions is not what we're about here.  
> 2\. I'm actually not sure how long i want to make this yet! I'm gonna keep going until I run out of ideas or the story feels like it can end, and of course have some fluffy-epilogue ending type things.  
> 3\. yes, all of the songs that are "album" songs are songs by the smiths. why? because I want to discredit morrisey any chance I can get.  
> 4\. thank you all so much for reading! I do read and enjoy every single comment, even if i don't reply to it (if i haven't replied to your comment, know that I've seen it and I either don't know how to respond or it will seem like I'm responding the same thing to everyone's comments) 
> 
> happy reading!

1:02 AM EST

_"If you need somebody to love, just look into my eyes, I'll be there to make you feel right."_

_YikesItsY/N: wow, stealing my shtick? i'm surprised, eth_

Ethan shakes his head at Y/N, making them laugh. "He's gonna shake his head at me and not actually respond? Rude," They tell Beef, who has now climbed up onto their lap. 

" _If you're feeling sorry and sad, I'd really sympathize, Don't you be sad, just call me tonight_."

"He's fucking stealing my shtick, no credit," Y/N repeats, texting Brian. Of course, Brian wanted to be sarcastic about the situation. 

_Brian: he's your boyfriend, you deal with it_

_Y/N: he's not my boyfriend, you deal with it_

_Brian: no_

_Brian: he's singing about you anyways_

Y/N looks back up at the screen. There's no way. There is no way that Ethan would be singing about them. Brian was just saying that to mess with them. 

" _If the sun has faded away, I'll try to make it shine, there is nothing I won't do_ ," Ethan sings, his fingers slipping a bit on the last chord and he fixes it quickly before it makes a sour note. That's something that they did. He picked it up from them. " _When you need a shoulder to cry on, I hope it will be mine, call me tonight and I'll come to you_."

Was he singing about them? How were they supposed to tell? What if Brian was really just fucking with them? 

What if Brian was telling the truth?

Thoughts like this are what made Y/N so anxious. Why they waited so long to actually reach out to Ethan. Why they hadn't told him yet. 

"Yeah, yeah, I stole Y/N's shtick. Sue me," Ethan says, calling Y/N's attention back to the stream. "I can't sing half as good as them anyway, so it doesn't even matter!"

_brazenwine: yeah it does, they will sue you_

_celerybitch: i'll defend you in court, it's okay_

_potroastho: they're gonna sue the shit out of you_

_YikesItsY/N: i'm not gonna sue you, dummy_

"See! They're not gonna sue me," Ethan says, the smile on his face making Y/N's heart melt a thousand times over. “They’d probably sue me if I was singing for a cat, but since I’m not, they can’t.” 

_mushroomdance: what cat? what?_

_avatarroku: is this a secret code? is that what this is?_

_pinkfrog: i think it's something from y/n's streams, but i'm not sure_

Ethan's hand moves to rest on the side of his face and neck. "Yeah, it's something that Y/N does on their streams. They actually started doing that before I started talking to them, and it's one of my favorite things that they do on stream. Well, maybe not favorite. I don't know. It's up there, though."

Y/N's hand is covering their mouth slightly, glancing between the screen and front of them and their phone, ignoring Brian just telling them to go ahead and make their move. It doesn't help that Chris is texting them similar things. Of course, Chris's has more heart eyes emojis and 'look at your man talk about you'. 

"My favorite thing they've done on stream? If I had to pick?" Ethan says, drawing Y/N's attention again. He puases for a moment, and they find themselves holding their breathes before he breaks into a smile. That goddamn smile. "When they sang Cancer. It was so--God, I can't find the words. It was so perfect, they let out all of their emotion, they didn't hold back, they just sang and enjoyed themselves and I...I'm gonna remember that forever." 

God. Fucking. Damnit. 

4:47 PM EST

Brian told them to be direct. Chris told them to just say how they feel. Ethan would probably tell them to not worry about it. 

Well, Y/N did none of those things. Not even a little bit. 

So, what did they do? They decided to indirectly cover a song that reminded them of Ethan that wasn't even remotely romantic and they had never told Ethan that he reminded them of it and they were panicking over recording it. So, not direct, not saying how they feel, and definitely worrying about it. 

" _Some say, now suffer all the children and walk away a savior, or a madman and polluted from gutter institutions_." 

They could've sent a simple text. 

" _Don't you breath for me, undeserving of your sympathy, 'cause there ain't no way that I'm sorry for what I did_."

They could've called. 

" _And through it all, how could you cry for me?_ "

They could've said something during a stream. 

" _'Cause I don't feel bad about it, so shut your eyes, kiss me goodbye, and sleep._ "

They could've stood outside Ethan's window playing Wham! on a boombox in the rain. If he didn't live in L.A. 

" _The hardest part is letting go of your dreams..._ "

They could've talked to Brian to see if they were being stupid. 

" _A drink for the horror I'm in, for the good guys, the bad guys, for the monsters in our beds._ "

They could have given a sappy romantic speech over FaceTime. 

" _Three cheers for tyranny, unapologetic apathy, 'cause there ain't no way that I'm coming back again_."

They could've picked a song that wasn't about sleep paralysis. 

" _And through it all, how could you cry for me?_ "

They could've picked any normal way to admit their feelings. 

" _'Cause I don't feel bad about it, so shut your eyes, kiss me goodbye, and sleep.._."

But, why would they? Ethan and Y/N's relationship is anything but normal. 

" _Just sleep._ " 

11: 47 PM EST

"Y/N, I forgot to tell you, you sent me back into my emo phase today," Chris tells them as they join the dead chat. “I was going about my day and then boom, feels time. Who killed you?” 

“Brian,” Y/N says with a sigh. “Me and Ethan were teaming and I left for a second to fix wires and bam, Brian takes me out. Who go you?” 

“Ethan.” 

“No,” Y/N says in a fake voice of betrayal. “I...I simply can’t imagine it. We were alone so many times...he would’ve killed me if he had the chance.” 

“Nah, he’s always nice to you. To the rest of us he is co-oh-ld blo-oh-ded.” 

Sure, it was just a video game, but it meant something to Y/N that Ethan didn’t kill them. “So it’s just you and me who are dead?” 

“Yeah. Cyrus walked right past my body and didn’t do shit. He didn’t give a fuck.” 

“They’re not gonna find my body unless they take out Comms.” 

“That’s not as bad as Cyrus just walking right by and not giving a shit!” 

Y/N pauses for a moment. “Which one is Cyrus?” 

“Are you guys talking about me?” A new voice says, and it’s Cyrus. It absolutely scares the shit out of Y/N. “I’m Cyrus. The Dark Green one.” 

“Sorry,” Y/N says. “It’s a lot of new people for the first time.” 

As Y/N says this, Beef taps at their feet. Beef never yaps. He barks, sure, but he never yaps. They go on mute and take off their headphones. They glance to the chat, not reading anything before pausing the camera, the little yellow screen with their logo filling the stream. 

“What’s wrong? What happened, buddy?” They ask as the dog whines. "Do you need to go out? Let's go out."

There's a bitter chill in the air when they open up the back door and let Beef out. It's much colder than it was the week before. The wind is light, and if it weren't for the sweater they had on it would be nipping into Y/N's skin. Still, it made the hair on the back of their neck stand up, making them shake a bit. 

They wish Ethan was there to warm them up. Shit, they just wish Ethan was there in general. 

After Beef finishes his business and chews on a fallen stick for a few minutes, Y/N calls him back and they go back into the recording room, making sure that Beef is chewing on his rope toy instead of the dirty stick. Nothing against sticks, but it was always a pain to get every single piece of bark up after the dog ripped it to shreds. 

Apparently, another game had started, and Y/N was impostor. So was Jason. 

"Hello hello, what did I miss, good sirs, ladies, and theydies?" Y/N asks as they slip their headphones on and turn their mic back on. 

"Julien was fucking murdered," Ashley says in a very distraught voice. "And everyone thinks I'm the one who did it." 

"Because no one was with you and this is the second time you've reported a body," Jason laughs. 

"No one was with Y/N!" Ashley states. "It could be them!"

"Y/N's been AFK, dude," Cyrus says. "I ran by Cafe like four times, they were in the same spot the entire time."

"Y/N?" Jason asks. 

"Yes?" They respond. "Where were you?"

"My dog had to go piss, dude," Y/N says, stifling a laugh. "Beef is also terrified of going alone."

"I can attest to that, Y/N never goes AFK unless it has to do with Beef," Ethan says. "So that brings us back to Ashley."

"I swear it wasn't me!" 

The sound of everyone voting fills Y/N's headphones and they all vote off Ashley. 

Thank God confirmations are turned off. 

They're all muted again and Y/N sighs before reading chat. 

_murshrooms: oh my god that worked_

_wallhanger: 'course it worked_

_bottlecoozie: ashley saying julien was fucking murdered gave off Hot Fuzz vibes_

_GeorgeIsGone: it does give off Hot Fuzz vibes_

"Don't say that shit gives of Hot Fuzz vibes when I'm the impostor and no one knows that it's me, that's what Hot Fuzz is," Y/N laughs, heading into Med Bay to fake a sample. They sit there for a few seconds before seeing Ethan walk in, his Black character running in a circle beside Y/N's Brown one. They can't kill Ethan. He covered for them. 

Then, almost on time, Brian walks in. Ethan...Ethan won't rat them out. They know he won't. 

Will he?

The little kill icon pops up and Y/N mutters, "Fuck it," before going in. Of course, as this happens, Drew walks into Med Bay. And Ethan reports the body. 

"Drew fucking killed Brian!" Ethan shouts and Y/N covers their mouth. He's really helping them. 

"You and Y/N were right beside the body!" Drew shouts back. "It's both of them!"

"That's bullshit and you know it!"

"Really? Really?" Drew starts. "I saw Brian go into Med Bay and then when I went down there he was fucking dead and you two were standing right over his little pink body."

"You--you say him go in?" Chris asks. "Where?"

"I was on cams," Drew answers. 

"So you weren't doing tasks, that's what you're telling me," Chris says. "Y/N, what were you doing?"

"I was doing samples," Y/N answers. 

"And Ethan?"

"I was doing my scan. I was going up to head to Cafe to do trash and Drew was standing right over the body," Ethan lies. He's lying to cover Y/N's ass. 

"That's bullshit though!" Drew yells in frustration. "Guys, I swear to God, it's one of them."

"I don't know," Cyrus says, hesitation in his voice. "It's two against one, and Drew, you were following me earlier."

The voice chat explodes in yelling and Y/N mutes them. It's just a touch too loud. But, as they do this, they watch themselves get voted off. Oh well.

"You motherfucker!" Brian says almost the second they enter the dead chat. "You really had to get revenge?"

"Of course I did."

"No, you didn't!" Brian says. 

"Wait, so were you really AFK when they voted me off?" Ashley asks. 

"Yeah, uh, I was," Y/N says. "I will stop doing anything for Beef. He's my best friend."

Other than Ethan. That's what they expected Brian to say, because that's what Brian always says. But today, Brian decided to text them the little comment. 

Brian: you even got your boyfriend to cover for your ass

They read the message off of their phone as it buzzed in their lap. 

"Brian?"

"Yes?"

"Fuck you."

"What did Brian do?" Ethan's voice asks. "Cyrus just killed me."

"Brian did nothing," Brian says. "I was just being myself."

"Dude, that can mean absolutely anything." 

Y/N sighs. "It's nothing, Ethan, don't worry about it."They regretted letting that out the second they said it. They knew Ethan was gonna worry about it. Especially with them sighing before it. "And I'm being serious about not worry about it. Brian just sent me some dumb shit about me not being out of my emo phase, that's all."

Shit, they were lying better than they do when they're impostor. 

So why the fuck were they so bad at this game? 

3:52 PM EST

_Eth <3: i'm kinda happy you're still in your emo phase_

_Y/N: why?_

_Eth <3: so i can listen to MCR and not get judged_

_Y/N: who the hell judged you for listening to MCR? tell me now, i'll go slash their shins open like tires_

_Eth <3: thank you <3_

_Y/N: you're welcome <3_

~~_Y/N: i love you_ ~~

_Delete message? Once you delete the message the receiver will not be able to see it._

**_Delete._ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> songs mentioned in this chapter: 
> 
> Any Time At All - The Beatles  
> Sleep - My Chemical Romance
> 
> movies mentioned in this chapter: 
> 
> Say Anything (1989)  
> Hot Fuzz (2007)
> 
> all usernames other than Crankgameplays were made up for the purpose of this story. if anyone with any of these usernames exist, please let me know so i can change them. also, i am very aware of the inconsistencies with some usernames, that's on me being forgetful. thank you so much for reading!


	12. Ask Me Why

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I can’t think of the—you’re pulling a Love, Actually,” Brian says, laughing. “Oh my god, you’re pulling a Love, Actually. You know what? I’m not surprised.” 
> 
> “Why not?” 
> 
> “Because you’re in love with each other, dingus,” Brian tells him. “I’m just surprised you haven’t done it sooner.” 
> 
> “Shut up.” 
> 
> “Just confess before they post another song that’s about you.”  
> ~  
> Y/N releases new music and Ethan can’t handle it anymore. After talks with Brian, he takes a leap of faith.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this took so long to come out! i don’t have a proper computer at the moment so i had to finish this chapter on my phone. again, sorry for the delay, and happy reading!

10:07 AM PST

" _Well, I know it's kind of late, I hope I didn't wake you, but what I've got to say can't wait, I know you'd understand._ "

Ethan stops himself for a second. Y/N's new song is very different then the others they've put out recently. That's always good, of course, he just never thought they'd put out a Jim Croce cover. 

" _'Cause every time I tried to tell you, the words just came out wrong,"_ He can almost see them singing. _"So I'll have to say "I love you" in a song._ " 

Not surprisingly, their voice fits perfectly with the style of singing. Then again, their voice fits with any style of singing they chose. They're so talented, he's lucky to call them one of his best friends. That should be enough for him. 

It's not, though. It never has been. 

" _Yeah, I know it's kind of strange, every time I'm near you, I just run out of things to say, I know you'd understand_."

He knows they're all the way across the country from him. He knows he can't go see them, even if he wanted to. It's not the right time, the virus hasn't gotten any better, even if he wanted to see them he'd have to quarantine for two weeks and there's no way he could hide that. 

" _'Cause every time I tried to tell you, the words just came out wrong, so I'll have to say "I love you" in a song._ "

He had tried to tell them. All those hesitations and moments when the words just got caught in his throat and they burned and he wanted to just let everything out because he knew he couldn't. He knew it would fuck everything up. 

" _'Cause every time the time was right, all the words just came out wrong, so I'll have to say "I love you" in a song."_

There were too many perfect moments. Any time he could've texted them. Any time he could've called. Any other time he could've contemplated telling them that he loved them, but no, he's thinking about it now, while he's listening to their music and walking Spencer on a path in Glendale because of course that's where he would think about it. 

" _Yeah, I know it's kind of late, I hope I didn't wake you._ "

Ethan thinks again. That sounds a lot like what happened two nights before. He called Y/N in the middle of the night and before he could tell them he loved them he decided against it and said that he meant to call Brian and that their numbers were so close (they were't) he must've gotten them mixed up. 

" _But there's something that I just got to say, I know you'd understand_."

Then there was that moment when they stopped after he asked what was wrong. And the time their lips parted and no words came out. And every time they watched a movie and the moment seemed so perfect and--

"' _Cause every time I tried to tell you, the words just came out wrong._ "

And he's remember he wasn't with them. He'd remember they weren't actually there. 

" _So I'll have to say "I love you" in a song_."

Ethan looks down at Spencer, who is sniffing around some dead sticks. 

He knows what he needs to do. 

2:47 PM PST

"You bought a plane ticket? Are you crazy?"

Brian's question isn't unexpected. Ethan knew just showing up at their door wasn't the most conventional of plans, but, then again, since when the hell were he and Y/N conventional? 

That's right. They weren't. 

"It's not that crazy," Ethan tells him. "I...I think I love them."

"Dude, I know you love them, and they love you, but you're--you know what? You're not insane. You're a fucking romantic," Brian tells him. 

"I'm going to have to quarantine for two weeks," Ethan says. "They're gonna know I'm not at my house."

"So what are you gonna do?"

"Get a hotel and a rental car," Ethan says. "My flight is in two days. I'll record a ton of videos tomorrow and use the pre-recorded ones I already have. No one's gonna know."

"I know. Justin will know. Shit, Y/N's gonna know. They're gonna know something's up."

"They're gonna be able to tell that I'm not at home. They're not gonna know that I'm coming to visit them."

"Okay," Brian asks, and Ethan can hear the skepticism practically dripping from his voice. "What's your plan?"

"I'm gonna tell them that Katherine might've been exposed and I'm in a pet-friendly hotel until things clear up," Ethan says, letting out a sigh. 

"Say Y/N asks Katherine. What is Katherine gonna say?"

"Katherine and Y/N don't really talk, but if the question is brought up, I'll make sure Katherine's on board."

Ethan can almost see Brian pinching the bridge of his nose. He knows that's what Brian's doing because that's one thing that they both do. After years of being best friends you pick up things from each other that you wouldn't expect to pick up. 

“I can’t think of the—you’re pulling a Love, Actually,” Brian says, laughing. “Oh my god, you’re pulling a Love, Actually. You know what? I’m not surprised.” 

“Why not?” 

“Because you’re in love with each other, dingus,” Brian tells him. “I’m just surprised you haven’t done it sooner.” 

“Shut up.” 

“Just confess before they post another song that’s about you.” 

12:47 PM PST 

Ethan knows the nerves in his stomach aren’t from flying, it’s from him actually doing this. He feels bad about having Spencer in holding, but there’s nothing he can do about that, Spencer’s too big to be on the floor beside him. 

Especially with the lady and her white crusty-eyed yapping dog two rows in front of him. 

Ethan pulls out his ear buds and checks him phone, and shit, Y/N did post another song. 

He quickly downloads it because he knows he’s not gonna be able to listen to it when the plane takes off. 

The song starts with a bass line but it sounds different than usual. 

The bass ukulele. Holy shit. 

“ _Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry, You don't know how lovely you are, I had to find you, tell you I need you_.” 

Ethan hasn’t heard this song in forever. Y/N might’ve mentioned it on one of their lives but he hasn’t heard it since he was in high school. 

“ _Time your questions, let's go back to the start_.” 

He never really took them for a Coldplay fan. Then again, this song? You didn’t have to be a Coldplay fan for this song to be good. Especially not when Y/N’s the one singing. 

“ _Running in circles, coming up tails, Heads on a science apart...nobody said it was easy_.” 

What the hell is he supposed to do? Well, more than he’s already doing. He can’t call them for another few hours, not until his layover. 

“ _It's such a shame for us to part, nobody said it was easy, No one ever said it would be this hard..._ ”

Ethan stops the song. He can’t finish it. Not now. Not when he’s this close. He can’t have himself crying over them yet, not when he’s on an airplane around a ton of people who aren’t asking to hear a 24 year old man crying over someone he hasn’t even confessed to yet. 

5:57 PM EST 

Ethan glances at his watch. It’s scary and cold and it’s snowing. He hasn’t seen snow in years. Somehow those years seem shorter than the last two weeks. 

Quickly, he picks up his phone. 

“Hello?” 

“Hey, Y/N?” 

“Yeah? What’s up?” 

Ethan blanks. He's there. How the fuck does he actually do this? "Can you sing to me?"

"Uh, sure," They say. "Can you give me a minute?"

"Take your time, really. I can wait," Ethan tells them. OF course he can wait. It's Y/N. He's waited months for this moment, and now he's just asking them to stall for him so he can figure out all of his shit. 

" _Starry, starry night, paint your palette blue and grey..._ "They start, " _Look out on a summer's day with eyes that know the darkness in my soul._ "

"Emo," Ethan says out of impluse. 

"Shut up,"They say right back. " _Shadows on the hills, sketch the trees and the daffodils, catch the breeze and the winter chills in colors on the snowy linen land._ "

Ethan might've said that they were emo, but they sure as hell picked a fitting song. 

" _Now I understand what you tried to say to me, and how you suffered for your sanity, and how you tried to set them free...they would not listen, they did not know how...perhaps they'll listen now.._." They continue on, and Ethan can here Beef yap in the background. He's glad that he left Spencer with Brian for the evening. Two dogs barking back and forth at each other would give him away instantly. 

As Ethan thinks about it, he realizes how creepy it is, just sitting on a bus bench as the snow comes down, waiting for the perfect moment to start walking down the street and knock on their door. At least he's not standing right outside their house. 

"Beef, hush," Y/N tells the dog. "Sorry, he's being fussy because I'm not giving him attention."

"It's okay," Ethan tells them. "Don't apologize for things you can't control, remember?"

"Right, right. Do you want me to keep going?"

"Please," He says without thinking about it. Y/N should never have to ask for permission to keep singing or talking. He loved their voice, the way they sang, the way they laughed, they way they talked, the inflections in their voice, they way they put emphasis on certain words, he loved everything. 

" _Starry, starry night, flaming flowers that brightly blaze...swirling clouds in violet haze reflect in V-_ "They pause, like they were finding the words. " _Ethan's eyes of china blue._ "

They didn't find the words. They changed the words. For him. A song he had heard a million times over and they changed the words for him. 

" _Colors changing hue, morning fields of amber grain...weathered faces lined in pain are soothed beneath the artist's loving hand._ "

He's still not over them changing the words. How could he ever be? Here he was, trying to be romantic as hell and he's stuck on a lyric change. 

"This next verse is really sad," Y/N tells him. He takes that as he cue to start walking. He can feel the adrenaline starting to kick in. Maybe's it’s the caffine. "But, uh, Ethan?"

"Yeah?" He replies, his hands starting to shake. He can do this. He's sent a package to their house before, and he can see the mailbox with their house numbers reflecting in the moonlight. He's trying to keep his voice from shaking too bad. He's never been this nervous before. 

"There is this one line, that says that the world isn't meant for someone as beautiful as you."

"I love you," He blurts out. He can't control it. It had to come out. It's the three words he's been suppressing since he talked to them through Pride and Prejudice. The words he wanted to say every time they talked. The words that have plagued his mind for months now. “I’ve wanted to tell you for so long and I just, fuck, I love you.” 

"I love you too," Y/N says. He's at the end of their driveway now and the relief of hearing it back makes his knees weak. This wasn't all for nothing. 

"Y/N?"

"Yes?"

"Can you go outside?"

"Why?"

"So I can tell you in person."

He can hear their phone drop and a lot of shuffling, and he sees Y/N haphazardly throwing on a Carrhart jacket and beanie. Their boots crunch in the snow as they run towards him, and Ethan can barely prepare for the impact when they throw their arms around him, sending them both to the ground. 

"You romantic piece of shit, oh my god, oh my god you're fucking here," Y/N starts rambling as They both sit up, hugging each other so tightly Ethan fears that if they stay like this much longer they'll both freeze in the snow. At least they'd freeze together. "You fucking asshole, you could've--oh my god, I fucking love you so much, I--"

Ethan cuts them off with a kiss, and it's so much better than he'd imagined. Y/N's face is warm and their lips are soft and they taste like tomatoes and basil and red wine. He can only think that his taste like mint because of the gum he was chewing earlier. "Were you cooking?"

"Yeah, uh, goulash," They answer. "It still has a while to go."

Ethan hears Beef yapping. "Should we go inside?"

They nod quickly and they help to pick each other up, the snow starting to seep into Ethan's jacket. Y/N helps him brush it off. "You picked the wrong jacket for this time of year."

"I bought it in November. For L.A."

Y/N shakes their head in a disapproving manner, but Ethan knows it's fake. "C'mon, I can throw it in the dyer."

The inside of Y/N's house is warm and inviting and cozy. It's a lot smaller than Ethan thought it would be. He can smell the wine cooking out of the goulash as Beef yaps at him. Ethan crouches down as he takes off his jacket, petting the dog. "Hey, mister, I think I was supposed to steal you."

"You have Spencer, Ethan," Y/N tells him from the kitchen, and they're walking back with a glass of wine. "Speaking of, where is he?"

"Right now he's with Brian. I knew that Beef would start barking at him and it would kinda give me away," Ethan says as he stands back up, taking the glass of wine. Y/N has their own, and they're holding it with their arms close to their body. They look so cozy, and Ethan still can't believe that this is the first time he's seeing them in person. 

"Give me your jacket, or your sweater is gonna get wet," Y/N tells him. "I don't need you dying of hypothermia while you're here, that would suck. Brian would never let me live that down. "

Ethan sips at his wine before setting it down. He still can't believe he's here. Their home is a perfect representation of them. There's a hallway at the end of the living room, one that has a red light above that says 'Live From New York', which he can assume is the recording room. There's more doors down the hallway. On the wall closest to the kitchen is an end table with a record player on it, and underneath are four milk crates filled with vinyls. On the wall are several framed posters of old rock bands and artists. 

"Are these original posters?"

"Yeah, they are," Y/N calls out. "Uh, Led Zeppelin, Elton John, and Billy Joel are Madison Square Garden, Jimi Hendrix is from Isle of Man, David Bowie and Queen are Hammersmith Odeon, and the newest one is The Avett Brothers at Red Rock. They're the most expensive things I own."

When Y/N comes back they hug him again, like they're afraid to lose him. He hugs them back, not wanting to lose them either. 

"Jesus, fuck, you're actually _here_ ," Y/N says. "I never thought--fuck. I didn't think this would ever happen."

"I told you I was gonna wait until I got a proper coat," Ethan tells them. 

"But you didn't get a proper coat!"

Ethan laughs, pulling away so he can properly look at their face. Seeing the curve of their nose, how their lips are upturned in a smile and are slightly parted to show their teeth and tongue, slightly dyed red because of the wine. He’s sure his are the same. “Yeah, well, now I got you to keep me warm.” 

“I’ll try my best, but I’m not giving you any of my sweaters. That is a carefully curated selection and I can’t lose one.” 

Their smile is the most gorgeous thing he has ever seen. “By the way, you look absolutely stunning tonight, you’re practically glowing. Maybe it’s the lighting.” 

Y/N laughs and kisses him gently and it fills him with so much joy he might fall. “You’re such a fucking dork.” 

“Say that again.” 

Y/N kisses him again and he’s over the moon.“You’re a dork?” 

“I love you,” Ethan tells them, and he wants to tell them that over and over and over again until his jaw falls off from saying it so much. 

“I love you too.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> songs mentioned in this chapter: 
> 
> I'll Have to Say I Love You in a Song - Jim Croce  
> The Scientist - Coldplay  
> Vincent - Don McLean
> 
> movies mentioned in this chapter: 
> 
> Love, Actually (2003)  
> Fantastic Mr. Fox (2007)
> 
> all usernames other than Crankgameplays were made up for the purpose of this story. if anyone with any of these usernames exist, please let me know so i can change them. also, i am very aware of the inconsistencies with some usernames, that's on me being forgetful. thank you so much for reading!


	13. Baby You’re A Rich Man (The Epilogue)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Finale.

“ _And I lose my temper, ten times a day, and it’s even worse when the night’s on its way!_ ” 

Ever since coming to L.A., dancing in the kitchen has had so much more of an appeal to Y/N and Ethan. They both scream out lyrics, rip apart vocals chords, and wear their legs and feet out as they blast music through the speakers. 

“ _Oh, it’s bad, oh, so bad!_ ” 

The house has so much more life now, with more houseplants, Beef and Spencer, one instrument in each room, the posters filling up the walls and life happening in each corner that didn’t seem to have life before. 

“ _Somehow I’d be doin’ alright, if it wasn’t for the nights! If it wasn’t for the nights I think that I could take it!_ ” 

It could be in the finishing an entire bottle of pineapple vodka together. 

“ _I’d have courage left to fight if it wasn’t for the nights, if it wasn’t for the nights I think that I could take it!_ ” 

Or the accidental budding in on Twitch streams that lead to so much laughter. 

_“How I fear the time when shadows start to fall, sitting here alone while staring at the wall!_ ” 

Or how neither of you stared at the wall alone anymore. 

“ _Even I could see a light if it wasn’t for the nights, if it wasn’t for the nights I could take it!_ ” 

Or the way the two of you stopped when you grew out of breath, reaching out for each other and gripping onto each other as if afraid to let go. 

“Ethan?” 

“Yes, Y/N?” 

“What did I do to deserve you?” 

“No, no, what did I do to deserve you?” 

Whatever it was, Ethan had grown madly in love with Y/N, and Y/N had grown madly in love with Ethan, and there was nothing in the world, absolutely nothing, that could make either of them happier than dancing to ABBA songs in the middle of the night on a Thursday. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> song mentioned in this chapter: 
> 
> If It Wasn’t For The Nights - ABBA
> 
> thank you all so much for joining me on this journey of a fic. i’ve had so much joy reading all of your comments and how much you guys love this fic. 
> 
> if you have any questions, feel free to send an ask to my tumblr @indigosandviolets, and i hope you all will join me on my upcoming works. it’s been a wild ride, guys, and i’ve loved you all. 
> 
> oh, and in case i don’t see ya, good afternoon, good evening, and goodnight. <3 
> 
> \- Indi


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